Hernia von Volenipples - A Chronology

1912 - June 13th Hernia von Volenipples born in Hasslehoff - a small Bavarian mining village - to Doorhinge and Stigmata von Volenipples.

1924 - Hernia discovered 'singing' to the family's chicken flock. It is later discovered that - due to the power of Hernia's voice - several of the chickens have died from shattered skulls.

1926 - Hernia expelled from the Hasslehoff school choir when her solo rendition of Silent Night shatters all the windows in the village.

1927 - Hernia moves to Spunk - a small industrial town near Düsseldorf - where she finds work as a Streetzenshoutenzeshreiker, a person who goes from street to street early in the morning to wake the factory workers in time for their shift. Three days later, she is sacked when all the town's dogs run away, their sensitive ears seemingly unable to stand the pain of Hernia's voice.

1930 - Hernia gets a job during the winter months causing avalanches in the Alps by 'singing a song [the mountains] have sung for a thousand years'. This system of deliberate avalanche making was a traditional method used by the villages in the area to entrap tourists in the district until they spent all their money.

1934 - Germany's leading Wagner conductor of the age, Wilhelm Dongwankler, on a visit to the Alps, is struck by the potential of von Volenipples’ voice. He persuades her to return to Berlin with him.

1936 - Hernia von Volenipples, after some training to limit the power of her voice, becomes The Wagnerian female lead, acclaimed throughout the world for her portrayal of Brunnhilde in the Ring Cycle.

1937 - At a performance of Wagner's Lohengrin at the Berlin Opera house, Volenipples pokes Reichschancellor Adolf Hitler with a banana during the interval. To escape retribution from an enraged Nazi party, she has to flee to Wales.

1939 -1945 - Due to wartime restrictions there is very little opera in Wales, during this period. In-between roles, Von Volenipples works as the air-raid siren for the whole of Wales.

1946 - von Volenipples marries the Wagnerian tenor Splunge Pavingslabbi. On their wedding night police are called to the honeymoon suite of the Dorchester in London when, half an hour after the newly-weds retire for the night all the windows in the hotel suddenly shatter.

1947 - 1958 - von Volenipples returns in triumph to post-war Germany, becoming the leading Wagnerian female lead once again at Wagner's own Bayreuth theatre as well as touring the world performing a number of leading operatic roles.

1959 - At the recording of her first stereo LP (a selection of Verdi arias), the power of von Volenipples voice shatters all the valves in the recording equipment as well as the soundproof glass in the recording studio.

1960 - 1971 - von Volenipples alternates between performing at the New York Met, Covent Garden and the Bayreuth festival to great critical acclaim, but her demands for increasing fees, and such dressing room luxuries as golden stoats, Southern-fried hamster testicles, vintage champagne and hot-buttered rugby teams causes great resentment among the rest of the operatic casts.

1972 - von Volenipples announces her retirement when at a recital, her performance of Mozart arias mysteriously leaves all the windows in the locality unbroken.

1978 - Splunge Pavingslabbi dies suddenly after exploding while eating a wafer thin mint at the fashionable Monty Python Reference restaurant.

1985 - Hernia von Volenipples dies at the age of 73, apparently from exhaustion, after an intimate evening with her local amateur rugby team.