Sports 'Personality' of the Year

Eaglesprout Draingurgle, winner of the BBC Sports ‘Personality’ of the Year 2010, first decided to take up the sport of Standing-Around-In-A-Field-For-No-Discernable-Reason at the relatively young age of five. He had seen his first season of Standing-Around-In-A-Field-For-No-Discernable-Reason live on BBC TV Sport that same summer and was - despite his tender years - struck by the complete and utter futility of the whole thing.

Almost overnight, he claims, he decided that this was the one thing he wanted to do with his life. At first, no one took him all that seriously and unbelievable as it may seem in this day and age, no-one seemed to have considered, or even noticed that the sale of replica Standing-Around-In-A-Field-For-No-Discernable-Reason kits could, for the more famous teams especially, be a real money-spinner. It is rumoured that, for example, the Nuneaton Unmentionables - league champions and European finalists last season - make more from the sale of replica kits than they do from gate receipts.

However, back in those less-commercial times, Draingurgle had to make his own Standing-Around-In-A-Field-For-No-Discernable-Reason kit, mainly out of items he found in his mother's underwear drawer. Of course, he did get into a lot of trouble for this, especially when his father realised what the young Eaglesprout had done to the special Saturday night underwear the elder Draingurgle had bought his wife as a special 15th anniversary present. But nothing could stop young Eaglesprout from trying to realise his ambition, not even been locked in the understairs cupboard for a week by his livid father.

At school, Lower Upper Yokels-on-the-Piss Comprehensive, Eaglesprout was devastated to discover that the school didn't even have a Standing-Around-In-A-Field-For-No-Discernable-Reason team. The school tended to concentrate on the more traditional sports of rugby, netball and extended soapy showers with the PE teachers.

Luckily, though, a far-sighted local ex- Standing-Around-In-A-Field-For-No-Discernable-Reason player, Midwitch Poodlebrain had set up a Standing-Around-In-A-Field-For-No-Discernable-Reason boys' league in nearby Lower Crotchstaine. As soon as he heard about this, young Eaglesprout dug out the photographs he had taken of his father and the local cake shop proprietess, Cleavage Extravagant-Thighs, the previous New Years' Eve. Immediately on being shown of the existence of these photographs, the elder Draingurgle changed his dismissive attitude to his son's passion for Standing-Around-In-A-Field-For-No-Discernable-Reason and became a fervent supporter of his son's wishes, straight-away volunteering to drive him to every Standing-Around-In-A-Field-For-No-Discernable-Reason match and training session he wanted to attend, as well as paying for a new Standing-Around-In-A-Field-For-No-Discernable-Reason kit, stockings, suspenders and boots.

It was there, in the Lower Crotchstaine Catamites, that young Draingurgle came into his own, playing as their first-choice front backspinsweeper. Soon he came to the attention of scouts for Grimsby Spangledthighs, Then, two seasons later, for a world-record £12 transfer fee he moved to Droitwich Indifferents, whose high Second First Premier Division status brought the now 19-year-old Draingurgle to the attention of the England scouts. Then, only a year, later onto the front and back pages of the newspapers as England's youngest ever Standing-Around-In-A-Field-For-No-Discernable-Reason team captain for the 2001 World International Cup-winners Test final. Where, as we all know, the England team finally lost 234.89 to 7, to a very on-form Mozambique, in extra time after an extra day's play and a penalty shoot-out.

However, the England manager, Staggering Incompetence, asserts that Draingurgle will remain as captain right through the qualifications and, then - he hopes - the finals, for the 2012 World Test Cup, which he is confident, that with Draingurgle's inspired Standing-Around-In-A-Field-For-No-Discernable-Reason abilities, England will win.