Sleep In My Arms Lullaby

By loquaciousicity

Sun, 19 Jul 2015
  • 993 reads
4 comments
 

Soft somnolent skies have ceased seething, for day’s nearly through,  
while winds echo whispering thoughts of returning to you
and heavens throb, pulsing and bleeding in crimsons, once blue -
their passions, like flames, fill my veins as you pass into view.
The breeze holds her breath as you touch, then embrace me anew
and smoldering clouds withdraw, blushing, then paling their hue.

The twilight is painted with wandering dreams of your charms,
so close your eyes slowly and slip into sleep in my arms.

The pendulous moon appears, sweeping the fog from up high 
distilling the drops into notes of a hushed lullaby,
their quavering tunes spinning tales which amaze, mystify,
while tremulous stars fling a fire that fevers the skies,
for stories they tell reflect love as revealed by your sighs -
their fury is burning, alive in the depths of your eyes.

The twilight is painted with wandering dreams of your charms,
so close your eyes slowly and slip into sleep in my arms.

The shifting shore’s moaning, seduced by tempestuous tides
which flow with the rhythm of flesh as our senses collide,
and quiet explodes as the stillness of night’s amplified.
A lingering kiss bids adieu till the morning breaks wide
when cockerels come conjuring dawn with voluptuous pride
enticing the sun into banishing night, starry-eyed.

The twilight is painted with wandering dreams of your charms,
so close your eyes slowly and slip into sleep in my arms.

Certificate 15
Poem
Romance

Comments

Submitted by Rhiannonw on

There is a lot of lovely metaphor again here, maybe rather concentrated for taking it all in? The chorus is lovely and I liked Enticing the sun into scything the night, starry-eyed very much.
The whole rhythmic form is well worked, though The pendulous moon appears, sweeping the fog from up high – the 'the' seems to give a bit of a bump (extra beat) in the flow there.[Though now on re-readingI realise like below, the emphasis is meant to be on 'sweep' not 'appears' You are quite right, there is no exta syllable, but maybe you can give thought to whether anything can be done to smooth that reading. But in the end you just decide!

I  wasn't sure of The quavering tunes unfold tales which amaze, mystify at first, but it does scan – I think I wanted to emphasise unfold as I  read it, rather than emphasising 'tales'. I don't know whether 'that' instead of 'which' might help??? Just a few feedback thoughts. You have great skill in writing.
Rhiannon

 

Submitted by loquaciousicity on

Thanks, Rhiannon, for the thoughtful and thought provking comments!!!

 

I found 'keeping the beat' difficult while putting it all together.

Part of the problem for me was 'forcing' the BEAT every three syllables... partly because 2-syllable words usually have an accent of their own...  and if placed between the BEATS may have a 'misleadng pull'...

I've re-looked at the words/structure and am not sure how to 'smooth' the reading...

I know how it is supposed to sound, and when I read it (even aloud) it's OK (I think)... but for someone reading it for the first time, I can see that it might prove difficult.... but then they should read it lots of times... smiley 

  In any case, I may come up with some new ideas as to how to make it flow,even for a first-time read...

Thanks again

Terry

Submitted by Silver Spun Sand on

That first, brilliant line of yours, Terry, had me hooked.  You have a wonderful style with your writing, hynoptic, almost. Very much enjoyed.

Tina

 

Submitted by Silver Spun Sand on