I'm made up for ferg

thanks tim... gissa hand on the line breaks would ya? suggestions welcome.

and do you think I should not repeat 'look' and also should the second 'pairs' be 'packs'?

well, here's one i did earlier...

actually, i'll mail it to you.

cheers

I think the 'looks' are ok, but yes, change second pairs to packs.

Tis a grand poem indeed indeed.
Maybe line breaks...

I like it in this
pub where we hold and
stroke each other like new cushions.
You find makeup in my handbag
apply tube and brush to my face at the bar.
'Look up'
for mascara,
stain on my cheeks, lips,
powder my chin.

'They're like dogs on heat,' says my uncle,
but dogs
do not groom each other with such
lovely precision.
I look up as the wand combs,
your hands keep my knees apart.
In the mirror
I am prettier
than if I'd done it myself.
You will cost me tights,
so many pairs, torn.
A ritual every Sunday,morning worship,
I hand over seven pounds for two pairs
in Dorothy Perkins and give thanks.

Fergal please feel free to tell me to f**k off. I not so sure I have positioned them any better, but I tried. Its a tricky one for sure.

I am not so sure about the phrasing of

'You will cost me tights,
so many pairs, torn.'

Maybe,

'You will cost me torn tights'

I was particularly struck by 'lovely precision'
and stroking one another like new cusions. A very particular sort of action adn I know exactly what you mean.

Span

thanks for all help - have changed it due to combo of comments from tim, liana and span. I like it better now - and span you saved me on the torn tights thing. I spent ages trying to think how to say that better.

the new cushions thing is interesting.. when I am thinking of a simlie I act out doing it.. so I was stroking thin air saying to myself 'this is like stroking a...' and all I could think of was a new cushion. Where does it come from eh?

i will have to put the cat among the pigeons and say i didn't really like the new cushions ...

sorry ...

this is good but it is not the best Fergal poem I've seen by a long shot. I think Ferg like many of the other accomplished writers here set themselves high standards making life hard for themselves!

I also didn't like new cushions, for me it has too much sweet-charm, sorry Ferg.

It got better for me after that. I especially liked the opening of the second stanza.

jude

"Cacoethes scribendi"
http://www.judesworld.net

I liked new cushions. I had a kind of velveteen thing going on, I think.

I guess it's subjective - maybe I just don't have nice enough cushions.

I like Fergal's 'find a simile tool' of acting it out. I stroked the air here and came up with
like Angora rabbits or like mohair jumpers but I think they're too obvious. I also got some strange looks in the office!

jude

"Cacoethes scribendi"
http://www.judesworld.net

i just did it and got horses ... nobody saw me ...

I just did it too and then laughed.

I got Patrick to do it...he got a Porshe 911

i just asked kit my daughter to do it ... she got a wall ...

I must be honest and say I was never really happy with new cushions, but I couldn't get anything else. Other than wet feathers, but I always put a similie about stroking feathers in everything I write. Hmmm... stroking the air now and come up with..um...

Douglas Henshall's face.

Oops.

stick with new cushions for now.

but rokkit is spot on when he mentions velveteen as I nearlly said velvet cushions originally but felt velvet was too, um, velvety.