Sean Playfair

I do like hairs, very much. Hurrah!

Thank you both so much, what a nice welcome and initial response. I'll be sure to get involved in some flagging, reaction and critique too as soon as I feel comfortable...

Both 'cherried' as well, Sean. Deservedly so.

Ventured into the realm of poetry because of all this fuss.

Hairs is blinding.
Can't say any more than that.
Think I might read "white Soul Star" now...

very delighted to come across these poems ... makes the wizened editorial heart go pit a pat ...

hairs in particular gave me the tweaks ...

I am going to be totally inarticulate and just say Hairs is awesome.
So precise and flamboyant at the same time.

Span

Hairs is very good. Perfect pace, exciting - didn't want it to be finished when I'd finished reading it even though it was absolutely complete. I don't like poetry that uses startling imagery so quirky it shouts 'look at me, I'm different!' when it is, like a teenager experimenting with green hair dye, not different at all. This on the other hand is clever, sophisticated and paradoxically, its brilliant toolbox of metaphors and imagery and wordplay is so subtle, its glaring.

Nice one!

jude

"Cacoethes scribendi"
http://www.judesworld.net

I wanted to say "awesome" but I bottled out at the last minute..

It is though...

Well, I'm certainly happy with that feedback. Thank you all loads again. I'm not exactly prolific at the moment -- they're about my only two poems in the last year! But I feel encouraged to churn out more now, the way I used to.

All I need are some ideas to swim around in my head and bug me till I spill them onto my computer.

Oh yeah, I forgot I needed those.

i don't suppose you realise this but it is very unusual to get this sort of feedback on here sean ...

get writing!

i am sending the link for hairs to my aussie who is in south korea and has been missing his dog for 9 months ...

i like hairs! you're a good writer dude

Thanks. ivoryfishbone, have you missed a word after "aussie", or is he/she simply YOUR aussie? I suppose everyone should have one!

Anyway, hope he/she is cheered up. I should be posting another poem today, if I get round to finishing it.

no word missing ... he is just my aussie ... not sure everyone should have one ... he is rather difficult at times ...

I enjoyed both, though i prefer White Soul Star. I am not a writer of poetry and i find some poems too obscure to grasp. Both these poems whilst original and fresh don't leave me scratching my head at the end.

Possibly contempary poetry has got to clever for its own good, so only poets can appreciate it. From the amount of interest in your work, it appears you have achieved both excellent poetry but kept it accessible.

I look forward to more.

Juliet

p.s. my comment about contempary poetry is not a dig at any poets on here. Though i am up for a response if anyone feels i am talking out of my bottom.

'Hairs' is good. There are things that stick out for me as being lapses though.

"c:\my docs\my life\my soul\my pics\my gallery" is a cool idea for a line, but I'm not sure why we have 'my pics' followed by 'my gallery' - same sorta thing, surely? And I want something more inventive than 'my soul' as well - we've already had 'my life', which seems to be roughly the same thing - your essence, or being.

"like scousers they get everywhere" is a totally redundant simile ("they get everywhere" says as much, since there's no particular 'style' of getting everywhere, or associated set of ideas, that 'scousers' suggests, as far as I can see). It falls especially flat if, like me, you can't remember the last time your encountered a scouser anywhere.

"a/coconut shell, backing gingerly as a juggernaught " - both decent comparison points, but I think they corrupt one another by being in such close proximity. Am I thinking of a coconut or a juggernaut now? Or a juggernaught-shaped coconut backing up? Similar situation with 'sewer breath' and 'hairdryer on my neck' - the density of images makes it difficult to dwell on the significance of one of the other.

'raver' and 'rave' are very close together, and I'm not getting any particular effect from the repetition. Not sure why it's there, which makes it seem accidental ie. careless.

Thanks for your comments, Jack.

I see your point about repetition of ideas in line three -- I'm happy with life and soul, as the two go together in phrases, and follow each other nicely IMO -- but my pics/my gallery was pushing it I admit. Sometimes you've got to use your instinct, and I couldn't finish the line on my pics, nor did I want to pick up another idea at the end of that first stanza. So it just felt right to drag it out and use another word with the "ee" sound chiming through that first verse.

I once heard somebody talk about people from Wigan, saying they never move away..."unlike scousers, who get everywhere". (I'm sort of one myself, btw.) I do feel that everywhere I go, I overhear a scouse accent. Every workplace seems to have at least one. It's that Irish wanderlust they have. Anyway, that's where it came from: but you're right, it only works if you have a similar experience.

As for imagery, if an image comes in to my head I like, I have to use it, no matter how close it is to another. Some people may find this overwhelming, but my overriding goal is not to worry to much about them, and pack a punch.

Raver and rave: This isn't careless, as I did mull over this myself when I read it back recently. The image of the raver was one I had to use. I couldn't think of an alternative to "rave review"...a decent one anyway, just "great review" or something. So I thought, sod it, I'll leave it in in the name of repetition. I'd kind of forgotten about that, but it's bugging me again now. Bah.

:-)

I thought the line C:/ etc. was clever but like Jack also thought it was let down by the my gallery and my pics. The line was so cool, I forgave it immediately.

:\my docs\my life\my soul\my pics\ ....

I'd make the last word something unexpected and point making . The last word can resemble a file name and type rather than a folder name eg lostmoments.jpg

I don't agree with Jack about 'like scousers'. It does add something for me. I won't divulge exactly what as I don't want to lay bare my south-eastern predjudices!

jude

"Cacoethes scribendi"
http://www.judesworld.net

'coconut shell, backing gingerly as a juggernaught'
was my favourite image.

~
www.fabulousmother.com

I'm sure this happened last time I did some proper critique on a poem I thought deserved it. Someone felt obliged to respond by saying that the very thing I had criticised was, actually, their favourite bit. Gah! That's not an acceptable rejoinder! No offence meant, 2Lou.

Okay. Maybe I should have taken the time to type:

I disagree with you, Jack. I do not think that the two comparisons - one to a coconut shell, the other to a juggernaught - corrupt one another by being in such close proximity. For me, they both added to the strength of the image.

~
www.fabulousmother.com

re images - I made a similar comment about 'cash crop' by SSS. Some wonderful images but perhaps a little too many. In places it seems like over-egging the pudding. I thought it could be thinned down in places to give the poem a bit of breathing space.

But I just don't get this sense of image claustraphobia with this poem.

Even though the images are often close together, it keeps a fluency. With coconut and juggernaught, the coconut is an image that builds a picture of what it is like. Juggernaught on the other hand builds a picture of how it moves. Hence, for me, there is no conflict.

jude

"Cacoethes scribendi"
http://www.judesworld.net

"For me, they both added to the strength of the image."

Hmm, but they *are* images in themselves. Are you saying that a coconut and a juggernaught alongside each other create a powerful juxtaposition?

Anyway, it's a small point. It doesn't have to be proven one way or the other. Jude's way of looking at it is pretty sound.

NB - it's 'juggernaut', isn't it?

“Are you saying that a coconut and a juggernaught alongside each other create a powerful juxtaposition?”

No, I was referring to the image of the moving dog that they created. Yes, I think Jude put it perfectly.

~
www.fabulousmother.com

sean... we've met before, no?

Have we?

I'm perhaps wrong, but you don't half ring a bell.

Greco.

I like some of his writing but not his forum presence.

I just did a search on Greco, and I agree.

Some nice work ; his forum presence I can live without.