290.02

That puts me on one nicker then, unless you fine me a tenner for stealing my Gran's arthiritis medication (Voltarol).

I've never feigned being a vagrant, but I've almost certainly been mistaken for one.

£8.30

£101

There's nothing more mind-teasing than the incomprehensible eagerly avowed - Dennett

I haven't throttled a wren but I have decapitated then electrocuted a frog which must count for something.

jude

"Cacoethes scribendi"
http://www.judesworld.net

4.50 for the decapitation (although strictly speaking the lab technician did that) and 4.50 for the electrocution, putting me on 9 quid (btw the pound key's broken on my laptop)

jude

"Cacoethes scribendi"
http://www.judesworld.net

A quid for chucking up.

I don't believe fishy HAS run amok in Sweden's parliament, though she's almost certainly done it somewhere!

I forgot:

searched in vain for a sparrow's ear - £40

Sorry. I can't believe I missed it out. I'm such a scatterbrain sometimes.

Oh, and of course:

balls out on the sneeze guard - £28

begat oneself through time travel incest paradox - £250

prog rock travesty vanquished via arson - £60

But I guess those ones go without saying.

Chased a headless locust across a laboratory ...(2 pounds)

Talked in the style of jedi master Yoda throughout a blue-chip client meeting ... (a tenner - fifteen pounds if done with eyebrow movements)

Shoved a USB cable up your bum (a pound or two pounds if your computer 'recognised new hardware')

£2.02

performed mass spectrometry on a pubic toupe

Invented a new form of distended existentialism whilst "re-imagining" a fornicating squirrel through the power of anarchic deconstructionism (on top of a parallelogram of Quorn sausages) - 37 euros and kilo of Ecuadorian tobbaco.

pe
ps
oid

... What is "The Art of Tea"? ...
(www.pepsoid.wordpress.com)

Lol, Jude. Curiosity implores me to enquire as to what purpose is served by electrocuting a frog AFTER decapitating it.

I mean, talk about kicking the little fella while he's down. Ever heard the phrase, "Okay, I think he's had enough"?

Ah Peps, I knew I'd get stung on that one. *turns out pockets* Would 80 kroner and a hundredweight of Brazillian shag do instead?

Ignoring Pepsoid (like most people do) - 1p

Responding to Pepsoid - £100 plus having to wear a "I responded to Pepsoid" cone on your head for a month and knowing, deep down, that forum lurkers are muttering 'dickhead'

We had to measure the electric impulses in a leg nerve Sean!

Vandalised a public flowerbed by planting it with brassicas £5

Manipulated a barnacle to orgasm £3

Tentatively licked an Australian soap star £10 (£15 if it was Kylie)

Smoothed eyebrows before entering the playgroup - £8

Jay-walked - £5

Jay-kay-from-Jamiroquai-walked - £200

Looked disappointed, camera phone in hand, when the ambulance men cleared away most of the gore before you had a chance to frame the crumpled bike, the lorry wheels tracks printed in red, the sobbing, bearded trucker. - £35

Prank called your school teacher when you were:
aged 7 - £1
aged 12 - £4
aged 16 - £10
aged 25 - £40
aged 45 (having seen Mr. Clim, your biology teacher's prediction come to fruition and you are, as he predicted, a worthless, good-for-nothing, who couldn't even hold down a job as Debenhams' storeman) - £ 80 minus £79 for bitterness tax.

Imagined how far you would go with your own mother - 66p

46.02, so far.

'Smoothed eyebrows before entering the playgroup - £8'

This is both my favourite so far, and my bitterest regret. Life is strange, n'est pas?

H ah ah ah aha ha ha
This is the funniest thread i have ever read on this site.
Muchly amused.
Span

"Tentatively licked an Australian soap star £10 (£15 if it was Kylie)"

True story: I told Stuart from Neighbours (real name: Blair McDonough, from Aussie Big Brother) that me and my friends voted him "Man from TV we would most like to f*ck if we were gay".

It was a lie, of course. Tony Almeida was the real winner.

Enzo..

Buy my book!
http://www.amazon.co.uk/o/ASIN/1846855187/

Made a muckle out of many mickles - £20.00

Dropped a scone while preparing tea and given it to the person in the sitting room you like least - £15.00

Forwarded on an 'You know you are a child of the eighties when' email - £1000.00

Googled search terms such as 'driving instructor porn', 'seventies breasts', 'council estate studs' or 'jobcentre insertion' - £60.00

Been for a drink with a theatre administrator - £600.00

Wondered what it would be like to sleep with Alan Bennett - £10.00

Given a food to a child knowing that they don't like it, then forced it to eat it all, despite the tears of frustrated, confused rage - £17.30

Pretended to cry from loneliness in the hope that someone younger will sleep with you - £17.00

Thought that you could be a stand-up comedian if you fancied - £50.00

Thought that you could be a stand-up comedian if you fancied, especially one like Bill Hicks - £900.00

Talked loudly in a cafe in the belief that those around you couldn't help but be impressed with your wit and verve - £70.00

Liked a sexual partners family far more than you like them - £10.00

Spent a sleepless evening staring at the ceiling until dawn's cold light, afraid to move, chest mottled with a burning flush of embarrassment, after asking for something during sex that, you soon found out, certainly wasn't on the menu, even though you thought it definitely was - £5.00

Have been into Hip-Hop 'since you were a kid' - £60.00

Cheers,

Mark

'Wondered what it would be like to sleep with Alan Bennett - £10.00'

This fine has something of the self-fulfilling prophecy. I read it and thought 'Nope... wait... Oops. Now I have.'

Spent 3 day weekend arranging beer cans in a pyramid against living room wall, only to have them collapse when room-mate slams door after weekend of binge drinking. $75.37

Visit me http://www.radiodenver.org/

Sounds like a frustrated personal anecdote, there, RD.

Doesn't it?

Visit me http://www.radiodenver.org/

thank you tim. that made me laugh a lot and I needed that.

Opened the microwave and there is a face there - £30

Opened the microwave and slipped and fallen in - £30

Opened the microwave and suddenly it is WW1 and you have just torn a man's head from his body - £30

Opened the microwave and the light has not come on - £30

Opened the microwave and closed it again quickly, taut with fear - £30

Barrelled into the microwave all tatty and mud-stained yelling ‘Stop the trial!’ - £30

Opened the microwave and there is your own face there - £30

Opened the microwave and come under the powerful impression that you have done this before, many times, possibly in past lives - £30

Opened the microwave and realised that whatever happens next, it will probably result in a £30 fine - £30

Failed to open the microwave - £30

Become enraged that neither opening nor refraining from opening the microwave seems to bring to an end the steady flow of petty fines you are accruing - £30

Dodged microwave-related penalties - £30

Ultimate retribution - £30

zool

There's nothing more mind-teasing than the incomprehensible eagerly avowed - Dennett

Repeatedly opening a microwave oven in search of something different each time. £30,000, a free straight jacket, free ride in an ambulance and 3 nights at the nearest rubber room.

Visit me http://www.radiodenver.org/

Is the microwave episodes and associated fining sponsored by Barclays Bank?

jude

"Cacoethes scribendi"
http://www.judesworld.net

Refusing to purchase a microwave until it is sponsored by Barclays Bank - £526.37 paid monthly on direct debit until you notice it.