Chance Memorial

This is beautiful. It's a fine example how an emotive subject can be finely wrought into a poem - a rare thing. The repetition of forgiveness is so barely there that it really works well, underpins it beautifully. Fantastic.

Thank you for the flag hellen. I'm glad you liked it.

Liana - that means a lot what you said. I think it is the best poem I have written because it manages to combine specifics with emotion without being trite. I hope. And it means something to me... it allowed me to express something I didn't even know I felt.

However, I do need to work at it a bit, chisel away some extraneous words and I'm not sure about the becauses and I'm not sure about some of the line breaks, esp the Titanic one.

I like the forgiveness thing too. Funny because I started writing it thinking I was writing a poem about how I had forgiven my mother, and found out that actually I had forgiven me. Cool.

I think it's the best thing you've written also. I actually like the becauses. And yes, it's not trite. Hurrah. You are never sure about your line breaks are you?

I really enjoyed reading this again, after reading your commentary about why you wrote it and how it became something else. You get a real sense of the fractured relationship and the contrast with the present realtionship works really well.

I know nothing of line breaks, but stumbled over 'one real piece'.

Juliet

It's an absolute gem - don't feel that you have to change a word of it. It made my heart bleed.

very good indeed ms fergal. I think it may overtake the one about daffodils as my fave fergal poem.

I have a very limited knowledge of line breaks myself, I tend to use them to break up threads of thought, seperate images, (or use enjambed lines to add fluency as this poem does superbly). Or use them to make a point or to make or emphasize double meaning.

Having Titanic on its own after an extraordinary long line makes me want to stop and think about it .

Titanic, my associations - something that was great is lost, unexpected tragedy, slow sinking (knowledge of impending doom as with terminal illness). Yes it does work but visually it looks a bit odd so I might try and change it but keeping the Titanic emphasized.

jude

"Cacoethes scribendi"
http://www.judesworld.net

very good, it has a real, quiet power. loved the imagery, soft top escorts and lionel ritchie, reminded me perfectly of the 80s (in that cringing way!).

it's rare for me to read a poem beyong the first stanza (as many are poor) but i read this and then re read it. thanks.