So we have had the doom and gloom bit how about some light hearted rib tickling jokes, surely some of you on here know some good ones .
This is one that was posted to my Facebook page, I loved it an thought I would share it with you.
A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said "Can you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on."
She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6.." He thanked her and continued playing golf. On the back nine he got lost again.
He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on." She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13." Again he thanked her and continued playing golf.
When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living.
"I'm in sales."
He replied "no kidding so am I. What do you sell?"
She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh.
He promised. She said, "I sell tampons".
He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.
She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh".
He replied "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper.. I'm still one hole behind you."
oldpesky | November 21, 2011 - 09:38
Two Glesga boys, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock's forthcoming wedding.
Ach, it's all going magic," says Jock. "I've got everything organised already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night...
Archie nods approvingly.
"Hell, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jock.
"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's grand, you'll look pure smart in that! And what's the tartan?"
"Och," says Jock, "I'd imagine she'll be in white..."
Geoffrey | November 21, 2011 - 09:43
An Englishman a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a pub. The barman says "What's this, some kind of a joke?"
Geoffrey | November 21, 2011 - 09:49
PS. A man has been marooned on a desert island for ten years, when a woman walks out of the water wearing a wet suit.
"How long is it since you had a cigar, a tot of whisky or played around? she asks. Then she begins to unzip her wetsuit.
"My god," says the man, "don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there!
Clive-Pearson | November 21, 2011 - 11:27
Ha ha ah! Dont worry Pesky I wont tell anyone about that joke, no one at all honest lol .
Clive-Pearson | November 21, 2011 - 11:29
Geoffrey you are a sick man lol, seek your nearest mental health practioner at once lol.
guggy | November 21, 2011 - 18:47
Jim and John were working on a scaffold. "I'm sick of this job, I'm going to act crazy, see if the boss sacks me," says Jim.
So he swings out on a rope, high up on the scaffold. Roaring, "I'm a chandelier."
The boss comes barreling out the door of the site office. "Get your stuff, you're sacked," he shouts.
Jim starts gathering his tools, John joins him.
"What are you doing?" the boss asks.
"You don't expect me to work in the dark, do ya?"
guggy | November 21, 2011 - 18:51
French couple having dinner.
Man: Have you seen the pepper?
Woman: Yes, terrible news, isn't it?
alex_tomlin | November 21, 2011 - 21:02
I've tried to resist but I can't.
1) A hole has appeared in the fence around the nudist colony. Police are looking into it.
2) All the dogs have been stolen from Battersea Dogs' Home. Police say they have no leads.
3) Someone has stolen the toilet from the police station. Officers say they have nothing to go on.
Thank you and good night!
jolono | November 22, 2011 - 08:46
Police are treating the recent death of Heavyweight boxer Joe Frasier as suspicious.
They have started grilling George Foreman!
Sorry, really sorry but couldn't resist,
jolono | November 22, 2011 - 08:57
There was once a balloon family.
Mummy Balloon, Daddy Balloon and little baby Balloon.
They lived in a Ballon house in Balloon town.
They loved each other dearly. In the Balloon house, there was only one rule. Baby Balloon was not allowed in Mummy and Daddy Balloons bedroom. Never!
But one dark night the wind was howling and the rain was tapping on Baby Balloons bedroom window and he was scared and wanted to be with Mummy and Daddy Balloon. So he crept along the landing of the Balloon house and opened the door to Mummy and Daddy Balloons bedroom. He knew he would be in trouble but he was scared of the dark and the rain.
He got into bed with Mummy and Daddy Balloon and cuddled up tight. But the bed was too small for all of them and Baby Balloon was falling out. He had an idea.
He let a small amount of air out of Mummy Balloon until she was smaller, he then let a small amount of air out of Daddy Balloon until he was smaller. Still wasn't enough, so he let a small amount of air out of himself. Perfect, he snuggled up tight and went to sleep.
He woke the next morning and found himself alone in Mummy and Daddy Balloons bed. He knew he was in trouble.
He floated down the stairs and went into the Balloon lounge. Daddy was there looking at him with a face like thunder.
"Sorry Daddy" said Baby Balloon.
"Silence" said Daddy Balloon. " Youv'e let me down, your Mother down, but more importantly youv'e let yourself down!"
Geoffrey | November 22, 2011 - 10:12
Once upon a time there were three bears. Daddy bear who was very large and hairy, he was called Daddy bear.
Mummy bear was not quite as big as Daddy and didn't have quite so much hair, she was called Mummy bear.
Then lastly there was a baby bear who didn't have any hair at all, he was called Fred.
The Big Bad G | November 22, 2011 - 12:06
Geoffrey, your first one is pure gold. Forgive me, but Yoink! As recompense...
An SEO expert walks into a bar, bars, pub, public house, Irish pub, drinks, beer, wine, liquor, grey goose, cristal...
maddan | November 22, 2011 - 16:53
A physics joke (there aren't many):
The barman says "sorry we don't serve superluminal particles in here."
A neutrino walks into a bar.
Geoffrey | November 22, 2011 - 20:13
Next:-A pub landlord was the strongest man in the bar and to prove it he would squeeze a lemon dry. He would boast that "if anyone else can squeeze a drop out it's drinks on the house all round"
One day a weedy little bloke takes him up on the challenge and produces half a glass full.
"My god you look hardly strong enough to stand up, what on earth do you do for a living?"
"I work for the Inland Revenue!"
The Big Bad G | November 23, 2011 - 08:18
Maddan, on the theme:
Knock knock
Nuetrino
Who's there?
jacques07 | November 23, 2011 - 08:42
A guy walks into the doctor’s for an examination. The doctor examines him and says, “I’ve got some bad news, you’ve only got three minutes left to live.” “Geez Doc,” the guy says “Isn’t there anything you can do for me?”
“I can boil you an egg,” says the Doctor.
tarquin1 | November 23, 2011 - 20:52
A guy walks into the doctors and say's "You got to help me doctor, I keep thinking I'm a moth!"
"Hold it right there," the Doctor stops him. "It's a shrink you need, not a doctor."
"I thought that," the guy replies. "Just, I was passing and I saw your light was on!!!" (sorry)
Geoffrey | November 24, 2011 - 09:26
Very old joke. (When the NHS started up people thought the place would be run on production lines!)
Start of joke:- Woman suspects she is pregnant. "Strip off and lay at the end of that lineof people".
Doctor comes along with rubber stamp and stamps every womans tummy. When she gets home she finds the writing is so small she needs a magnifying glass to read it. Has a good look, it says "When you can read this come and see me again"
Clive-Pearson | November 27, 2011 - 22:46
The Big bad G .. Excellent on the SEO joke, quip, humour,etc..lol
Maddan Nuetrino that old particle again lol
Tarquin ha ha Peed my draws care not what do I lol
Geoffrey neat lol
Sorry it took so long for me to answer you guys but I lost my password and username, I know dumb clutz or similar words, with expletive rhymes?
Regards Clive
Geoffrey | November 28, 2011 - 10:06
Both of a skydiver's parachutes fail to open, as he plummets to the ground he sees another chap on his way up.
"Hey mate do you know anything about parachutes?"
"No, do you know anything about gas boilers?"
Archie_Macjoyce | November 29, 2011 - 15:54
What's the difference between a blind archer and a constipated owl?
One of them shoots but can't hit.