I am twelve years of age, and I have just began writing. I feel that I need critiques on the pages that I have wrote, and any help would be appreciated.
http://www.abctales.com/user/12yearoldwriter
P.S. You should probably read Chapter One, before The Parchment, or else you will be thoroughly confused.
Stan | December 12, 2011 - 16:36
Well... you clearly have a strong imagination and a good vocabulary, and can tell a story. You need to pay a little attention to some of your grammar, and one or two cliches that you use. Also, I'm not sure what period the piece is set in, but it doesn't feel contemporary - but you mention someone sliding down a rope 'like a modern fireman' - a reference that you don't need, because it's out of context. You need to keep the references to period - and you don't really need to use a simile to describe someone sliding down a rope, I wouldn't have thought.
I'm new here myself, but from what I've read of others, if you ask for reviews your pieces are more likely to be ignored. The piece should stand on its merits, and the readers will acknowledge the fact that you are only 12 when making a criticism.
The only other thing I'd say is... the addition of the word 'please' might endear you to readers a bit more! You've not mentioned it once in your request, and I think it's customary to do so when you're looking for help.
shep5377 | December 12, 2011 - 18:51
I agree with the above, but I have still reviewed one of your stories as well, because I admire the fact you are only 12 and are as committed to writing as you are!
Trainspotter | December 12, 2011 - 19:09
Is there really anyone out there who believes a 12year old would call himself 12yearoldwriter? If so, then please send me a cheque for all the money you have in the bank and I'll give you double back on Friday.
12YearOldWriter | December 12, 2011 - 20:03
No, Trainspotter, it is not the fact that I am lying about my age, I'm just really not that creative with my users. Probably can send you a picture of me if you are still not convinced. Heres a link to my website, which is for promotion of my alpine racing abilities. http://joecarrara.com/
12YearOldWriter | December 12, 2011 - 20:11
Stan- For the modern fireman, I wanted to add something that people could relate too, because I myself could not understand what I was meaning when I first wrote that piece.
Stan | December 12, 2011 - 20:24
Don't see anything wrong with JoeCarrara as a user-name. It's pretty good, actually.
Yeah... the thing is, though, that if you're writing, say, historical fiction and you put something like 'the hansom cab skidded to a stop like a modern racing car would', it's completely out of context. I wouldn't worry about people understanding - they'll understand. The description of someone sliding down a rope is explicit and graphic enough.
Trainspotter | December 12, 2011 - 21:37
Well, Joe. Can I call you Joe now? What on earth are you doing with skis on? Surely a talented young lad of your age should be snowboarding?
maddan | December 13, 2011 - 11:13
You'll need a new username before twelve months are out.
Stan | December 13, 2011 - 17:05
TeenWriter will cover you for the next 7 years. Still think JoeCarrara has a certain panache.
shep5377 | December 13, 2011 - 17:39
I think anything that let's you use the word 'panache' should be encouraged.