Wot, no explosion?

Its all a con FTSE to lure you in. They're watching you, always watching you. In fact they're watching all of us, right now. I can feel it, see it, but unsure of what it is. One day it will happen, it will all happen, all at once. Then they'll be no going back not now, not ever. I can hear them whispering, talking behind my back, always whispering. Plotting the downfall, getting ready to make they're move.

Or am I just being paranoid?

Of course it isn't paranoia. I used to watch paraplegic sports until I realised it was just a cover for science conventions. The wheelchairs should have been a giveaway. As soon as the basketball is over, they put on their lab coats, get out their squawky talking boxes and conspire against us. They lost interest in the LHC when it didn't explode according to plan. I don't know what they're plotting now.

Be afraid of clowns. I know I am.

I was abducted by clowns. They took me to their circus tent and probed me in unspeakable places, even on the trapeze. Then they erased my memory with a squirting flower. See my bestselling book for details.

I hear they're building a huge telescope that can see everywhere in the world all at once. It can even see all the way to Croydon!

Then they're going to tell eveyone off when they've done something wrong and send them a letter or even fine them!

Actually we've already got that, its called CCTV, Google Earth, Traffic Wardens, Speed Cameras etc etc etc.

They have a machine that will blow raspberries at people from outer space. It can aim them so accurately that they sometimes hit the right street. They are special science raspberries that sound like My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding, so nobody knows when they've been hit.

"Do we now forget that a year or two ago we were howling about the LHC and afraid that it would blow us all up?"

Famous last words Footsie...
they of the white coats, boffin brains and extremely long range remote controls have been slowly ramping up the power step by step!
Having lulled most people into a false sense of security the plan is for a nice Easter Big Bang.

Makes you wonder if that's how it repeats ad infinitum with the LHC an exploding Easter Egg eternally hatching into a new Universe ;O)

FTSE, you have some of my drugs and I'll have some of yours, anyway. Cats are actually aliens that have befriended us and will one day make their move. I've been told that the cat invasion will take place next Thursday at one oclock. The catmaster is coming down from space to rally all the felines and they will then take over the world!

I'm glad there's still some mileage left in the LHC. It would be a shame to waste a lifetime of superstition on a single event.

I thought everyone knew that, jolono. I've had my emergency herrings hidden for weeks.

Thats what I love about you FTSE, always thinking a head! Or are they tails?

Must be "read" herrings FTSE and sounds like Mangone had them for breakfast already having "red" the papers. Since we can't trust the doctors in white coats - who should we send?

PS - all the asylums are shut because of cuts.

White coats always bring out the worst in people, Blessing. Our only hope is that after they've been through the wash a few times they'll come out a light blue.

OK

The LHC is a device created by the music industry to stop file sharing.

UFO's are just mobiles hung from the sky by the government to divert our attention from David Cameron's trousers.

Cats have already taken over the world, the life of my cats consists of sleep, shit, eat, look at me as if I killed someone, kneed my leg until it bleeds, sleep, shit, shit in their sleep and if I am lucky purr a bit to placate me for having to clear up their shit.

Clowns are everywhere but only people who wear glasses purchased from the opticians in Queens Crescent in Kentish Town can see them.

On balance it is better to use a different optician.

Every blacksmith knows you should never share your files, they always come back blunt.

Cameroon's trousers have one of the highest literacy rates in Africa, or so I'd be able to tell you if Wikipedia wasn't blacked out.

Where cats go, Andrew Lloyd Webber is never far behind. That's the real danger. If an ugly stranger invites you to be Dorothy, run!

In for a penny, in for a clown. I don't know what that means but it sounds very wise to me.

That exhausts my knowledge about the world and all that is in it. Why don't they just use dynamite to explode the LHC? Do I have to think of everything?

Its ok FTSE I can read between the lines. The code is very clear to me.

The Blacksmiths have smuggled Andrew Lloyd Webber into Cameroon disguised as a clown wearing stupid trousers.

Once there he is to blow in the exhaust pipe of the LHC which will trigger the dynamite.

Clever, really clever!

I'm glad my initials aren't LHC- sounds as though he is in ugly porridge range- is he a she or an IT? A cat maybe? A clown- ah a rock band! I knew it! hearts PL

No, No, Edenfalls you've got it the wrong way round. Let me expalin;

Trigger from Only Fools and Horses is to smoke his pipe till he's exhausted. Then go to the London Hazard Centre where he will meet the Smiths and Lady Dynamite who will all be dressed in Black.

Then Prince Andrew and Lloyd Grossman will turn on the Webber carburetor. This will destroy David Cameron by blowing up his trousers.

At least thats the way I saw it!

Cameron could get cold knees if somebody blows up his trousers, unless they've got warm breath.

You know Footsie - we just don't get any news here. I wasn't the least bit superstitious because I didn't know what LHC was pleazse don't bother to explain- I'll survive- so I wasn't frightened either. It could have blown up and I would have heard it from you, wouldn't I? That's first hand news then. Brilliant. You're not a neighbour are you? To LHC of course! I don't know whether you are my neighbour- I haven't seen them for 1 1/2 years- since I moved in. Strange...I wonder if they really live next door to you and not me? Which door?

What if he's wearing rubber bands on his trouser legs?

Pia, LHC is the Large Hadron Collider. http://lhc.web.cern.ch/lhc/ :)

http://www.ukauthors.com

I have a domestic small hadron collider in my spare room. I put any clowns I capture in it and spin them at the speed of light until they split into their component particles or until they've had enough, whichever comes first. Then I lift them gently out, stroke them affectionately and scream "WHO'S LAUGHING NOW? HUH? WHO'S LAUGHING NOW?" I find it eases my mind.

It's quite good for drying clothes on too.

Large Hadron? Scientists haven't got a smutty bone in their bodies. No wonder it took them so long to change the pronunciation of Uranus.

It's what you do with your hadron that counts

Does no one else think that the word Hadron resembles some other word.

I'm sorry but now I just can't say the words Large Hadron Collider without laughing.

I think Phobos-Grunt is funnier ;)

http://www.ukauthors.com

Its even worse when Brian Cox is talking about his Large Hadron.

Oh, I geddit, large sounds like barge. Barge hadron!

I've spent my life looking for the Darth Vadron. Eventually found it under the bed, right next to the lost car keys of Atlantis.

And Cox sounds like Willies. And Brian sound like keep tryin' babe, you'll get there eventually. Which is what Mrs. Cox might be saying when Tryin' Willies is 'Tempting Dick.

FTSE, I was feeling a bit embarassed about my schoolboy humour but now I don't feel so bad.
Thanks, as ever, for your surreal comic genius.
You really are wasted on ABCtales.