The 2021 Census (With Sex)

Welcome to the 2021 Census, sponsored by Toyota Yaris.

☐ Tick here if you have lost, or intend to lose, this form.

Household questions

H1 Who usually lives in your house?

☐ I do, you idiot

H2 What features of the Toyota Yaris do you like the most?

☐ The wheels within wheels
☐ The hitchhikers
☐ The adverts
☐ The safety recalls

H3 If you share your house or Toyota with any celebrity’s spare parts, please indicate which.

☐ Michael Jackson’s skin
☐ Shane MacGowan’s teeth
☐ Michael Portillo’s slime
☐ Amy Winehouse’s lice

H4 If you are, or intend to be, the Pope, go directly to H5. Otherwise, go to H5.

H5 Oh, it’s you again. Are you still here?

☐ Yes
☐ No

Individual questions

1. How would you describe your name?

☐ Cool
☐ Wish I’d been called Shark Mantis
☐ It’s a secret identity. I am Centipede Man.
☐ Toyota

2. What and who is your sex?

☐ Um! You said sex! That’s rude!
☐ Dogging, Michelle
☐ Inflatable doll, Mandy
☐ Sheep, Matilda

3. What is your ethnic group?

☐ Michael Jackson
☐ Hip-hop
☐ Be-bop
☐ Bibble-bobble

4. What is your main job?

☐ Boring
☐ Dress-down Friday
☐ Head chef at La Ramprakash
☐ A secretary by another name
☐ Selling my wife’s knickers on eBay

5. Who wears the trousers in your household?

☐ Whoever gets them first
☐ Whoever washes them
☐ Whoever can stand the smell
☐ Whoever has not yet caught a trouser-transmitted disease

6. Why are you still answering these stupid questions?

☐ My Toyota is broken
☐ The Toyota showroom is full
☐ There are no Toyota ads on TV
☐ I’m a nit

Do you declare? If so, declare now. If not, fill in the form again.