Doing a Hard Thing

Mr and Mrs Satchwell and their three children are an ordinary family from Stoke Poges. John Satchwell is a tropical fish and hamster consultant at the pet shop; his wife Betty is a part-time social drinker. Their three children attend the local secondary school. In their spare time they like to watch the television. What would it take for a family like this to do a hard thing?

On a different street in a different town live the Fanworths. Graham Fanworth is a postman and his wife Tipsy is an amateur alcoholic. They have one child, Nelson, eleven, who climbs like a monkey. Could they too do a hard thing?

I have travelled to a monastery in Tibet to meet Doctor Slenforth, an expert in hard things, to discover just what is involved in doing them. (Note: if the budget won't stretch to a journey to Tibet, we could meet on a hop farm in Kent.) I wanted to ask Dr Slenforth at what age a child from an ordinary family in an ordinary street in an ordinary town should contemplate doing a hard thing.

-Doctor Slenforth, thank you for coming here to Kent. I'd like to ask you about doing hard things. Are there any dangers involved?

-I...

-I see. Now that sort of thing is all very well for academics who live in Ivory Towers, Somerset, but should it be contemplated by an ordinary family like the Satchworths who live in Stoke Poges? Or the Fanworths, who don't?

-You...

-One more question, Doctor Slenforth. Is it hard to do a hard thing? Do many people do them? Do ordinary people understand them? Does anybody care? Do you take one lump or two? Is there life on Mars? How high is a Chinaman? Will there be peace this Christmas?

-The...

-Thank you, Dr Slenforth. You've certainly given us food for thought, if not for dinner. Sorry about the trip to Tibet, the producer wouldn't have it. And now I'll have to hop. This is a hop farm, see, so ... well, no need to be like that.

Back in Stoke Poges, the children have arrived home from school. Peetzer has turned on the television and Burger is anxious to get watching too. Poptart is hiding several bottles of cider under her bed.

At the Fanworths', Tipsy has passed out under the kitchen table. She has had a medicinal bottle of gin followed by several constitutional absinthes and a poteen pick-me-up, all of which seem to have put her down. Graham is mowing the lawn and Nelson is up a tree.

Much has been written about doing hard things. I travelled to Istanbul by pygmy shrew to interview the author, who lives in Shropshire. First I asked him exactly how hard it was to do a hard thing.

-Dr Slenforth, how nice to see you again. I'd like to ask you about your book 'Doing Hard Things', about doing hard things. Can anybody write one, or do you have to join a special library?

-Wh...

-Now, that is fascinating. Sorry about the trip to Istanbul, by the way, but you know what producers are like. Still, this is a very nice farm, don't you think? I mean, as sewage farms go. Not as good as the hop one perhaps, but quite pleasant in its own way.

-Sorry, was that a question?

-Yes.

-Br...

-Well, thank you again for your time, Dr Slenforth. You certainly weren't talking sewage. This sheds a whole new sewage-free light on the topic. If we misrepresent you, you can sue us for ages. When Sue comes of age, that is.

So there we have it. Can hard things be done by people just like you on the telly? Maybe, but there are two sides to every double-edged sword and woe betide the cook who spoils his own broth.

Next week we investigate shark maintenance and see how two ordinary families who have heard of sharks cope in their houses at tea time.