Everything is in her Kiss.
Before, I feel wrapped about a fibrous film, on my pale tender form;
Constrained and contained, within a dream-filled, naked construct.
We meet… I fight, tooth, narrow, sinewy brain, plumped fingers all;
To burst free, and stare with an innocent wonder, at a swirling sky.
I feel electric at the taste of her moist lips and tender filled warmth;
They remind me of the sweet jasmine scented warm summer rain.
In them, I sense my individuality, as her petals kiss my swollen eyes;
So I witness, in the midst of their delicate pattering fall; a connection…
It’s in this moment, when I reach beyond the construct that I evolve;
For I feel her, delicately peel away my liquid rotten skin of damnation.
With tears of redemption that clean my once weak now bulging veins,
That starts to replace within this heart something that seemed so lost…
Now, I can sense in her delicate, passing breath, the sweet -Angelic;
I feel rich pulses of cold, clear air; rest so lightly upon my tender bell,
To bring alive a shudder-cup of bliss, that then releases a new power;
That melts this raw stone iced lie, from the essence of my very being…
Copywrite 2011.
Comments
maisie | July 7, 2011 - 13:47
this is a full edit and critic for your poem, as you seem to want one. I hope you appreciate the effort.
thanks.
stanza 1
line 1
"Before I feel" should it be "before I felt?"
2nd stanza
line 2
plumped? I'm not sure of this, would pumped work more?
line 3...swollen eyes? did you mean to give the intimation that you were weeping over something?
stanza 3
Line 3 use of plump again, is this too much?
line 4 seems to end clumsy weak. perhaps theres a better stronger way to say this.
stanza 4
line 2 - what is a tender bell? because this raises nothing for me at all.
the stanza ends with a good strong line
stanza 5
I'd cut tis bit off. sorry i think it weakens the rest of the poem.
alphadog1 | July 7, 2011 - 14:11
Thanks. I'll make the changes, and yeah I do appreciate the effort... But I don't pretend to like writing poetry... however, its what's coming up at the moment. I prefer to work on short stories; I will address your points. I am trying to create my own form. (or lack of it.)
line 1 "Before", as its supposed to be in present tense, the time line is almost instant. therefore it runs the length of the kiss, which could be three minutes long I don't know if that makes any sense, But its the best I can come up with now.
2nd stanza line 2, yes your right.. typo. ( suffer from dyslexia, so I get my words messy, and that's why I find poetry harder than prose.) I am attempting to describe a person being reborn... baby's have large eyes... or large puffy eyelids... I don't deny this needs work... I know that most of what I write needs work. :)
stanza 4: Bell end... its the tip of the penis. no other way to put it... yes its possibly too showy. but as you didn't get it, then perhaps it isn't?
It is interesting you think the last line is strong... why do you think that?
the last two lines, are supposed to be weak, I am attempting to imply frailty... I guess i failed :((( I will make the changes.
why does a person with Dyslexia want to write high brow..? to prove a point...
alphadog1 | July 7, 2011 - 14:29
I made a comment but I didn't post it to you, sorry, I keep forgetting to do that. sorry if my words seem rough got a little girl to try to keep awake.
alphadog1 | July 7, 2011 - 14:30
you have to back to the poem :S
maisie | July 7, 2011 - 18:29
now i know what you meant it works for me much more.
yeah, it must be difficult for you, ipd it's called more n more these days, dyslexia well you need to read me on the finer points of modern days dyslexia...
lol
http://www.abctales.com/story/maisie/talking-wednesday
might as well grab a reader by the horns :)
alphadog1 | July 7, 2011 - 19:11
yep I liked it a lot, great stuff and informative. Did the interview go well?
alphadog1 | July 7, 2011 - 19:11
yep I liked it a lot, great stuff and informative. Did the interview go well?
alphadog1 | July 7, 2011 - 19:11
yep I liked it a lot, great stuff and informative. Did the interview go well?