This is the bar where the men
all wear clever hats
and the women talk slowly
with candle flame breaths.
This is where I come to
forget about you.
This is the bar that is full
of the sound of organs failing
where they drink till four
and they never serve food.
This is where I come to
forget about you.
This is the door that leads
to a room of bruised legs
on mascara stained sheets
I come through the tears.
This is where I come to
forget about you.
This is my life, this is
what you have left me
as you casually browse
through Jimmy Choo
I already know
I will forget about you.
Comments
Gilbert | March 3, 2008 - 09:07
Very poignant poem.
Some great descriptions-
"This is the bar where the men
all wear clever hats
and the women talk slowly
with candle flame breaths."
The only part which slightly jarred for me was the third stanza-
"This is the door that leads
to a room full of bruised legs".
Would
"This is the door that leads
to a room full of red lipstick
and mascara stained sheets"
work better here?
Just a thought.
Fine poem, nontheless.
Orrabest,
D.
kim.rooney | March 3, 2008 - 13:11
Hi- yes ditto. I do like ‘candle flame breaths’. But I also agree that the third stanza could be strengthened.
Also, as is my style, I might go for a little reduction on the possibly superfluous ‘the’, ‘that’ ‘they’.
It does change the pace- which you might not want ?e.g.
This is the bar where the men
wear clever hats
and women talk slowly
with candle flame breaths.
barely black francis | March 3, 2008 - 15:21
Gilbert-thanks. I agree that your version of stanza 3 is perhaps more elegant, but I feel it does not convey the squalor I was aiming for. The bruised legs are a reference to the particular lifestyle of the women behind the door.
Kim-I am all for reduction, for that is also my style! However, in this piece I used 'the' 'that' 'they' as rhythmic devices and to my ear it doesn't read as well without them. But point taken for sure.