Irresistibly Yours

it has been
scientifically proven
that I am
irresistible,
to women
of a certain age.

the scientist was tall,
his eyes screamed,
‘I’m still alone Edith!’
his hands,
strong and steady
as he felt for a pulse.

he said it wouldn’t hurt
as he twirled
the merest of scalpels,
cheeks twitching to the beat
of a digital radio station
broadcasting in his head.

he took a sample from
behind my left knee-
I’m sure he kissed me gently
on a shoulder blade,
as soft as a happy fly
coming to rest on my skin.

the letter came three days later,
he apologised for the delay,
the Petri dish had exploded
due to my unusually high
mutant pheromone levels-
the lab had been a mess.

‘but, yes’, he went on
‘you are irresistible
to women of a certain age.
will you help me
get back Edith?
I can pay.’

now I know why they
corner me in Sainsbury’s,
chase me in their 4x4’s,
let me spend their money
on superfluous
rococo artefacts

in the park in early summer,
I wrapped myself in Clingfilm
before I took a constitutional
for fear my musk
would leave so many more bereft-
the guilt can be a bitch

I helped him get back Edith,
the very least that I could do.
I have an ornate palace now,
in another land alone.
I treat myself to chocolate
and only go out for tea.