Sun dance

Very good, Beeme :-) Captures that desperate feeling that love can bring with it. Based on a true story? It reads like real experience

Thank you very much Steve :-) It isn't based on real experience, but I'm glad it sounds life-like :)

Beeme xx

Well done Beeme really loved this poem, my favourite part is "Still, you light up, your
distinguishing, blinding glow.
Like your flicking a match,
ready to smoke- as if we
have time, for one last long
drag, before our time runs out.
But I know better."
A good mixture of emotions well done again xx

Lennie xx

I like this too Beeme. It should be "like you're flicking a match"

Thank you so much Lennie! I'm very happy you enjoyed, your comments mean alot to me :)

Beeme xx

Thank you Insert, I'm glad you enjoyed :) I've changed your, to 'you're' thanks for spotting that :)

Beeme xx

An interesting one this Beeme I wonder where it will lead:

I agree with the majority don't delete it - nothing we write is ever going to be liked by everyone that's no reason to delete it. I myself am currently in process of rehabilitation.

A few observations as far as style go: Thanks I appreciate your easy simple punctuation, and I liked the way that the sentences drifted free of grammar I assume intentionally. Rhythm and spelling patterns are brilliant, defying all analysis.

“I can barely look at you.
The light shining from your
face,”

All-in-all powerful stuff. Personally I think that enough imagery might have got in the way here and it's better off without it. What you are trying to express I think is best done in your very concrete language.

I just stumbled on these lines:

“I almost go blind.
Still, you light up,”

In particular I can relate well to:

“I am, in constant need of you.”
“I hate, waking up each morning”
“ And that, my day could
quickly become dark, without you.”

I see great wisdom .. such depth .. beautiful again .. The work as a whole utterly devoid of meaning. I think you have a flair for this keep it up. Keep writing and keep posting! ;)

Nolan &

Thank you for such an in depth comment Nolan! I'm glad you enjoyed :) I appreciate it so much, especially the encouragement! I also stumbled over the lines you mentioned, I didn't quite know how to word it, in the end I settled with the above, I'm not going to worry too much, right now. But if I have a brain wave- I'll see what I can think of ;)

Thanks again, hope your well :)
Beeme xx

'Like you're flicking a match,
ready to smoke- as if we
have time, for one last long
drag, before our time runs out.'

- really love these lines, Beeme. Some beautiful imagery here. I'd just suggest you lose a few superfluous commas to make the lines flow a little better. Maybe consider taking out the commas in these lines:

'The light shining from your
face, causes an eclipse in
my world.'

'When your hands stroke
my legs , I have to pretend that
I do not like, the warmth
of your touch.'

'I hate, waking up each morning
as you make your presence known.'

'I am, in constant need of you.'

If you were trying to create the effect of a pause with the comma, maybe you could try ellipsis instead? e.g. 'I am... in constant need of you.' 'I hate... waking up'

I would also use 'distinguished' instead of 'distinguishing'.

Anyway, I hope you don't think I'm being overly critical, and please do tell me to shut up and go away ;) I just really love this poem and want to make it the best it can be as it has loads of potential!! :)

Magic xxx

Aaw Beeme, it could be real life its lovely! I would say dont change it atall, except to me just an awkward rythem yet atleast its got one! Really like all the sun descriptions! K xx (Plz dont tell magic shut up and go away!) ;)

Awwh I'm definitely not going to tell you to shut up and go away! I went completely over the top with the commas in this poem, so thank you for the advise. I appreciate your fine tuning :) I'm really glad you enjoyed, as I was inspired by the cigarette imagery you used in 'unclaimed' :) Thank you for the encouragement :)

Beeme xx

:D Thanks Kahdai, I'm really glad you enjoyed and liked the imagery :)

Beeme xx

Aww thanks Kahdai, a lot of people would hate me for saying it, and I'm not promoting smoking by any means, but there is something damn poetic about it sometimes ;) Glad I could help!!

Magic xxx

Well I don't agree with you Beeme you must have missed the subtle undertones. Tom is master of sarcasm he must remove his comment instantly the bastard. But your poem really is good.

NOLAN

Ohh I'm sorry, I should have noticed it was Tom as the username though...

beautiful, I love how you've used light and dark but in an unconventional way. Stunning imagery!

Thank you very much Maggy, I'm really glad you enjoyed and liked the imagery :)

Beeme xx

Well it's obviously been through some revisions. The version that I'm reading here seems fine - I think you've got it right and it comes across very effectively.

Rob

Thanks Rob :)

Beeme xx

Love is three parts obsession and two parts addiction - you portray that brilliantly.

Nice one.
;)

new Beeme
really good poem love,
well explained I can't
believe most of it is not true.
Because the way it is excellently done.
Keep them coming.
julie xxx

Thank you Darkenwolf :)

Beeme xx

Thank you very much Julie! I'm really glad you enjoyed :)

Beeme xx