You've perfected your lines..

Beeme this is just beautiful!

'closes itself up like a dead
flower avoiding the detection of
spectators eyes.'

- these lines are brilliant and the ending is wonderful.

Keep writing because you have talent you shouldn't waste!

Magic xxx

Thanks so much Magic! I'm so glad you think so!
I'm happy you enjoyed this piece.
Beeme xxx

A promising poem, here is a version or reedit and I hope you find some of my ideas useful.

You've perfected the lines which leave hope
in my heart, then reveal the truth
and my heartbeat just stops, closes itself up
like a dead flower, avoiding the detection
of spectators' eyes.

I feel it's dead: our love deep inside
of me, like a piano being played in the
dark, designed for teary eyes.

I cry just a little as you send me roses
with a desire to revive our love
with another blossoming chance.

I really like your re-edit Artisus - can't believe I didn't catch the lack of an apostrophe in 'spectator's'! I definitely think you should consider it Beeme.

Just a little idea from me with the last two lines of Artisus's idea:

'I cry just a little as you send me roses
with a desire to revive our love
with another blossoming chance.'

The repetition of 'with' jars me a bit so I would change it to:

'I cry just a little as you send me roses;
a desire to revive our love
with another blossoming chance.'

But I say again this is a wonderful poem Beeme and well worth working on and then I reckon a cherry's on the horizon ;)

Magic xxx

Beeme,you know I've always enjoyed your work. My opinion is lol in someway you have stepped up your poetic game since the war poems you made. It's like your a different person writing these pieces.

Anyway never the less I enjoyed this one.

"I feel it's dead: our love deep inside
of me, like a piano being played in the
dark, designed for teary eyes."

"and my heartbeat just stops, closes itself up
like a dead flower, avoiding the detection
of spectators' eyes."

They are brilliant verses and well written, I like how you ended them focusing on the results of eyes.

Good work

Pinda

This is lovely. I have to say I found Artisus' edit easier to read which gave the words more meaning. But the words are the same - the only difference is the stuff that can be learned, punctuation etc. The words themselves are your natural ability which you should nurture:) sarah x

Thank you all for your kind comments, much appreciated :)

Special thanks to Magic and artisus for the reediting, it was most helpful and helped my work to read easier.I am very grateful for your time and ideas :) I have re-worked my poem using artisus re-edit and with Magic's ideas for the last verse.

artisus,
'I feel it's dead: our love deep inside
of me, like a piano being played in the
dark, designed for teary eyes.'
I felt the punctuation really helped here, thankyou.

Beeme xxx

Thank you Pinda, I'm glad you enjoyed.Thanks for your kind words, maybe it's because these recent poems deal with love, something I haven't focused that much on. Thanks again Beeme x

I agree with you sarah, atrisus reedit makes my work read much easier. Thanks for your comment Sarah much appreciated. Beeme x

:) x