You're tearing me apart inside.
And on the outside even now,
on my skin it continues to show,
shaking wildly,
trying to get your attention.
I etched your name onto my
arms and neck ,you just laughed
at me and said I needed help...
and so I told you if my heart
has stopped beating: isn't that
the only way to get my blood to
flow again?
You're tearing me apart inside.
I had everything but your love:
too lost in vanity to give that
to me.
Left me breathless, lying on
the floor.
Comments
Jupiter | July 22, 2009 - 18:27
Hi Beeme.
Strong stuff ;-)
I especially liked (the in-context use of) :
And I told you if my heart has
stopped beating: isn't this the
only way to get my blood to
flow again?
Cheers
PS. What happened to "Fallen Beauty"? That was lovely. :-)
Sikander | July 22, 2009 - 18:33
Actually it was the passage that Jupiter's quoted that confused me a little - are you saying that telling him/her would make the heart beat again?
Lovely touches here though. Love love love the skin 'trying to get your attention'.
One more nick-pick: 'shallow' seems a bit of a weak word in such a strong poem... Great stuff though, Beeme. Well done.
Beeme | July 22, 2009 - 19:20
Hey Jupiter, glad you enjoyed. You liked fallen beauty? lol, its back I had to make some changes the verses didn't work exactly how I imagined (-;
Thanks for the comment. Best Wishes Beeme.
Beeme | July 22, 2009 - 19:21
Hey Sikander. That passage means how I etched my name into my skin, drew blood, my heart doesn't beat anymore, so its more of a sarcastic remark, isn't that the only way to get my blood to flow again? lol glad you enjoyed the rest though. And changed shallow, hope you like the alternative. Thanks for the comment. Best wishes Beeme.
pinda | July 22, 2009 - 19:53
when you said this
": isn't this the
only way to get my blood to
flow again?" Did you mean the love is the only way to get the blood to flow again. Difficult to grasp some parts but once it's undertstood by re-reading it a few times. It makes more sense and this piece in my opionon is excelletly crafted.
Beeme | July 22, 2009 - 19:56
That passage means how I etched my name into my skin, drew blood, my heart doesn't beat anymore, so its more of a sarcastic remark, isn't that the only way to get my blood to flow again? And thanks Pinda, glad you enjoyed :-) Best Wishes Beeme.
pinda | July 22, 2009 - 20:00
Cool, makes more sense knowing that.
Beeme | July 22, 2009 - 20:01
cool, I reworked that part alittle, does it make more sense now?
pinda | July 22, 2009 - 20:02
"you just laughed
at me and said I needed help...
and so I told you if my heart
has stopped beating: isn't this
the only way to get my blood to
flow again?
" with all that it makes a lot more sense. lol quick and efficent editing Beeme,I like your style.
pinda | July 22, 2009 - 20:04
You're 16 right?, does that mean college time for British kids?
Jupiter | July 22, 2009 - 20:08
He's on the pull Beemer - watch out ;-) lol
Beeme | July 22, 2009 - 20:11
Good, lol quick and efficient editing (-;. Yeah or staying on at school doing A levels like I am planning to.
Jupiter | July 22, 2009 - 20:13
Hey Pin & Beeme - did you know I met Bruce Lee? ;-)
Sikander | July 22, 2009 - 20:42
Lovely reworking, Beeme. Much clearer - really lets the power of the piece shine through.
Love that repeated line. Gorgeous.
Beeme | July 22, 2009 - 20:49
Thanks Sikander, glad I made that verse clearer :-)
Glad you enjoyed.
sarah wilson | July 23, 2009 - 13:56
Didn't see it before the rework, but this is lovely Beeme. Strong and powerfully written. Well done:)
Beeme | July 23, 2009 - 19:40
Thanks Sarah, glad you enjoyed. (-:
Cavalcaderl | July 23, 2009 - 21:34
new Beeme well done she survived did she
another Agather Christie?
Beeme | July 24, 2009 - 20:13
lol yeah. Thanks Julie xx