Mattress

Enjoyed this, especially the image in the third paragraph. A few suggestions though if I may...

for some reason the use of the word 'sagged' in the first line didn't work for me, maybe 'slumped' might work better here? The repetition of 'over' at the end felt a bit awkward as well and disrupts the impact of the last two lines.

Apart from these minor criticisms I thought this was a great story which had a real depth considering the brevity of the piece. You fit some interesting images into such a short space and really capture the sense of disorientation and loss that follows the end of a relationship. Thanks!

Nice one Ben and welcome to the site.

I like your use of double adjectives although I don't know what lyncanthropic is. Some of the story sounds poetic... conspiritorial birds and yellow tinged streets are very nice.
The pain of love lost is a creative experience.

Ray

Capoeiragem - many thanks for those comments, very useful.

The criticisms you make are spot on, IMO.

The repetition of 'over' was a mistake (I really want to say 'oversight'...), now amended.

I agree about 'sagged', but I'm not sure about 'slumped' as an alternative. I think maybe that first sentence is fatally flawed, I must have rewritten it slightly a dozen times but it never quite hangs together.

Thanks for the compliments too!

Ooh thanks Ray. I don't think anyone has ever called anything I've ever written poetic before.

I just meant 'lycanthropic' to borrow a bit of werewolf imagery for a sense of being invulnerable at night - he's recalling being young and cocky and fearless ... to be contrasted in the next paragraph with the reality he's older, cold and intimidated.

Hmm. I'm thinking now that it's quite possible I've completely misused the word. (from a quick google search, I'm not convinced it's actually a word at all...)

A good piece - I look forward to something longer from you. Just a very minor point - Mattress is mis-spelt in the title! I think that lycanthropic is a word - and it's fine. If it isn't then it should be.

I agree about lycanthropic; it caused me a moment of reflection - which was good - and then I knew exactly what you were getting at. Nice story, bitter-sweet.

Thanks for the comments. Lycanthropic stays. Still not sure about that first line, though.

Good spot on the title. I've corrected it.

I never finish anything error-free. I'd make a really lousy editor.

I don't think you need an adjective there are at all - just remove 'sagged'. Indentations are indentations, after all.

Like it. Done.

Cracking suggestions and observations from everyone.

Thanks very much all.

I loved this, in days of old I walked around at night in skimpy tops in winter, these days I hit the pub in three t-shirts a jumper and a furry coat. What was so impoartant back then sags as we get older. This was expressed perfectly. Lovely piece.

Thanks Sooz - It's really great to have so much kind feedback.

Cheers
Ben

Great piece. I really enjoyed it.

very atmospheric I thought, short and punchy, I think you could take this piece further - make it longer and give us his thoughts and slowly wend in why he feels this way, but the sense of distortion, and self framgmentation came on strong, poetic and just right.

Nice writing.

L. L. Valentim