36th World Sleeping Championships semi-final

Well here we are at the 2046 semi-final of the 36th World Sleeping Championships, and as the crowd are beginning to take their seats, I can tell you that the atmosphere is already feeling rather special here in the Crucible. It’s been a fairly un-dramatic competition so far, John, as we’ve been discussing over the last week. But here, today, we have two athletes at the peak of their form, both with very different styles of play. I think that we’re in for something rather special.

Well that’s right Michael, because in a year when it seemed that nothing could stop the progress of the top seeds and when we all expected, myself included, it to be a Werber/de Havilland final, then just 3 days ago in this very venue there was a wake-up call that none of us were expecting. And that wake-up call came in the form of young Reginald Ng down here, very much the people’s favourite. This 24 year old from Birmingham seems to have shot from nowhere in the last two years to being a serious contender for this year’s golden sheep. I mean that performance against Werber was just sensational.

Let’s just take a look at that final moment one more time in fact, because I don’t think I’m the only one who wants to see it again. So there we are, and he’s got the wonderful smile he always has – I remember sleeping like that as a child you know John – I know what you mean there Michael! – and its a few minutes after the first rendition of Pomp & Circumstance has started. Of course, remember that at this level the competitors don’t know even what type of participation to expect from the crowd, and this was directly after the screening of England’s crucial qualifying match for the World Cup: This means we can expect some strong narrative build up in their dreams, and that kind of tension is what really brings this sport alive. And this is the moment, there it is, Werber’s eyes twitch and you just know it’s over from there for him. But take a look at Ng, and if anything he just smiles a bit more. This is world class composure under pressure.

Just stunning, without a doubt, which is why today will be so important. Remember that Ng is playing a style of game that we haven’t seen here since before ’34. His competitor today is a formidable man who can sleep with the best of them. Madej is less stoic than Werber, certainly, but so much more aggressive. He has bulldozed his way through this competition, last year’s semi-finalist, Akwokwo Okiro, Chen Wu, number seven seed, Franco Pizullli, and even three-times champion, Pyotr Draper, in his stride. It seems that he wasn’t happy with the world record for snoring volume from last year as he’s already topped it by a clear four decibels in this tournament! And that’s what makes him so dangerous. None of the people he’s beaten to get here today were push-overs, but they just couldn’t compete with his capacity to make noise.

I’m glad you mentioned ’34 as well there John, because it’s hard to believe that these guys are sleeping without the aid of any performance enhancing drugs. It’s so heartening to see these two, as you say very different, athletes go head to head because it’s really going to pit two ideas of what the game is about against each other. They were dark days for the Sleeping Federation back then, they had to bring cages in for the contenders, and compulsory drug testing will bring a shadow over any sport tournament. But sitting here today, waiting for this match to start, I wonder if maybe some good came from it all. People have debated for years if Tommy Oswald knew what he’d uncover when he threw that orange, but I for one think that today shows that the sport has triumphed.

You know Michael; I’ve always thought that Oswald knew what he was doing. Before the doping came to light the game was in trouble, I mean you can’t have one person win everything like that, there’s no competition. I was surprised as anyone when the now disgraced American, Constantine Randy Butcher, didn’t wake up, but it certainly made everything make a lot more sense.

You’re not wrong John. I’m going to have to interrupt the nostalgia there though as today’s interactions are being brought out now. The cage has been checked for integrity and the match officials have given the signal – so here, people, is what Madej and Ng will be up against. Remember that neither of them will know about any of this until they hear it coming from the galleries. It’s looking like a classic match-up though; there are five table-football tables in the corner there, next to a couple of arcade machines – Point Blank and House of the Dead II if I’m not mistaken –

Interesting touch there, you don’t see number II so much these days. And coming out next to it there it looks like a clown and if I’m not mistaken a couple of the Teletubbies. Still going strong after 60 years, it looks like La-La and Po are going to cause some trouble here. The vital consideration here, of course, is when the children are due to be bought in. The timing of interactions is one of the most closely guarded secrets, I think in the world, right now so your guess is as good as mine. In the southern corner, opposite the games, I can see a drum kit being brought on and, if I’m not mistaken, it’s Justin Bieber.

Well it was inevitable that Bieber would turn up at some point in this tournament, and what a day for him to arrive. Long-time fan of the sport this ageing teen-pop star, turned hardcore-punk stalwart is surely going to stir things up.

Facing him in the eastern corner we have what looks like a metal shop being set up and, well there they are. The Green Dwarf group, inheritors and proponents of the Blue Man Group’s artistic heritage are coming out. Their unique blend of metal work, sculpture-by-request performance poetry and dance has proved to be the end of many a hopeful’s tournament. And here they are, handing out ear-protectors to the crowd seated nearest to them. I must say, I thought the people seated nearest to Bieber looked excited but they’re looking pretty envious now. And you can’t blame them.

Which just leaves the western corner, traditionally where the big guns are kept, but with Bieber and the Green Dwarves already out there it makes you wonder what they’ve got left? I’m not sure what I’m seeing here in fact, ladies and gentlemen. It looks like a selection of speakers is being wheeled in to the gallery and, yes, they are laying some of them down face-down on the floor. I don’t believe it, the screen is following and, yes, it’s the live video link up. This is just unbelievable. The last time this was used was in ’43, and it finished the match in two minutes fifty-five seconds – one of the few photo finishes the game has seen. The combination of vibrations, noise and crowd response was phenomenal, and if they’re bringing it out today this means they’re expecting big things from young Ng.

It looks like the crowd have all taken their seats here and the match referee is bringing out the regulation blanket. It looks like the video link is up and running – although of course it’s just a test screen so we don’t know what it is yet - and everything else sound checked. The penultimate piece of the puzzle is being wheeled out in the forms of the various monitoring devices – the Electroencephalographs, the airway pressure monitors, the eye-motion trackers - and the calibrations are being checked. Which means, sleep fans, that we’re ready to go. It’s looking like a match to remember, we can feel it, the crowd look exited, and I hope the people watching at home can feel it too. And yes, here they come; Pavel Madej and Reginald Ng are entering the arena...