Home

Grey Heads

Posted by The Big Bad G on April 1, 2011 - 12:42
from the ABC set In the Absence of Change

Amongst grey heads and corpulent bosoms
I do not square; not by choice segmented
By my due respect of churlish chasms,
I do not speak to the gulf of the aged.
Time will assist in filling this crack, lined
With regret as it is, with passion, cheap
Joy, love and other things that cool. They'll find
Me between, on the cusp of my swell, creep
On frail hoar ice. Blanched yet thin, a vague cypher -
They'll cluck and low at this abstract - I tripped
On first love, grazed knees on a mistress, cur
To the last. They'll find me, just flesh I shed.
Amongst grey heads and the blood-rush of truth
I'll envy the pale and wide eyes of proof.

Discuss this piece in the abctales forum


Comments

fatboy74 | April 1, 2011 - 21:34

As far as my weary eyes can see your sonnet is pretty damn perfect.

Maybe 'just flesh I ripped' which rhymes better with tripped and doesn't deviate really from your intention too much and maybe lose the 'yet' in between Blanched and thin to maintain the right syllable count. Or if you're happy with it just ignore me - I don't think I could write a sonnet to save my life so what do I know?

ATB Fatboy

The Big Bad G | April 2, 2011 - 12:45

Wow... Thank you very much Fatboy. You're right about the rhyming and ripped would work, but this one came from regret and time to shedding the past is what I was going for. Plus the more I tweak things once they're finished the worse I make them!

I'll let the readers decide if you're right or I am. :)

oldpesky | April 2, 2011 - 21:15

I don't know much, if anything, about sonnets but I enjoyed the images and rhymes of this. I'll sit on the fence as to what changes, if any, should or should not be made.

Highhat | April 3, 2011 - 19:23

Yes I love the imagery too. Wonderful piece

The Big Bad G | April 4, 2011 - 08:37

Thanks oldpesky and Highhat for the kind words. Oddly this all started in a very bland conference hall - maybe bordeom is the best inspiration?!