The Timely Disappearance of Clive Price (IP)

My wife is going to fuckin' kill me. I mean, she never like me spending money on online gambling cos she fought I just lost it all. She never knew about the account I 'ad where I put all the winnings, mind you. Close to 72 grand in there now. I always 'ad a knack for poker. But point bein', she fuckin' 'ates gamblin' an' always says, 'f'it weren't for gamblin', my dad wouldn't 'ave drunk himself to deaf'.

Figured I was going to eivver use the money to take 'er on the 'oliday of a lifetime or start again after I'd divorced 'er. Can't work out which I'd rather. Not sure i've got a choice now. Fing is that I played in a tournament on Friday night which had a secret special prize. I've done a few before, even won a couple. The prize is normally an 'oliday, or a car sumfink. I ended up selling the car, you know. Couldn't explain that away could I! I gave the boss the 'oliday in the Bahamas too. Was good for a pay rise an' 'im turning 'is 'ead a few times when I was skivin' off.

But like I was sayin', she fought I was down the Crown, right, but I was actually at this little internet cafe I know in Stamford 'Ill. So I'm playin' me game an' it's all going pretty nice an' before you know it i've won the thing. I've won a few of these fings, right, an' I'm not a cocky prick or nuffin', but this was pretty fuckin' easy. There was two or free fewer 'eats that there shuld'a been an' what I fought were the semi's were the flippin' finals.

So there's me, sitting in a cafe at ten on a Friday night waiting on me prize an' wonderin' what to do wiv the next few 'ours. 'Fuck it', I fought to myself, I WILL go down the Crown then. Spend some of my winnin's 'n' all. Maybe I'd treat meself to something like a new TV as well. I could tell 'er that Terry 'ad got 'old of a couple from his mate or sumfink. She always buys that one.

So I gets anuvver cuppa whilst i'm waiting an' finking an' then the email arrives from the website. An' there it is in me inbox as clear as mud: 'MONTH OF JULIA: ONLINE LOTTO An' GAMING CORPORATION'. 'Month of Julia'? I fink to myself. What sort of prize is that? I'm clickin' on it an' finking, 'aww Christ, I've won a shoppin' spree or somefin' really fuckin' girly. What the 'ell am I goin' to do wiv that?

An' it opens up an' I don't mind tellin' you that what came up 'ad me sittin' down in my chair for a few minutes, if you know what I mean. There was this girl, right, in her undies, nothin' dirty mind, an' she's stan'in' there looking all saucy like. I mean she's poutin' an' stuff an' I seen pictures like that before an' stuff but this girl was poutin' right at me. It was like she was sayin', 'Come 'ere Clive, I've got somefin' to tell you...'

So I reads the email an' it says, 'Dear Mr Price, Congratulations on winning the tournament. We are very happy to inform you that your prize is on it's way to your house as you read this. the Online Lotto an' Gaming Corporation have searched the world high an' low to find the perfect woman an' for the next month she is yours to do with as you will.'

Well I 'ad to stop readin' right there an' start again, din't I. So I goes frough it again an' it's exactly what it sounds like. They 'ad all sorts of details an' pictures an' stuff. She'd do literally anyfin' I wanted her too. She'd do the dishes an' the laundry, she'd follow me round all day, she'd do my job for me, it even said she could do fings I never imagined. You know, like sexually.

I couldn't get me 'ead round it at all. I checked it again an' again an' it just kept saying that. You've won this girl, Julia, to be yours for a month. Well, frankly, I was a bit excited. I reckoned I could find her some 'hotel or somefin' an' fit her in, if you catch me meaning!

Fing is though, that's when I realised what the email said at the start. It said, 'We are very happy to inform you that your prize is on it's way to your house as you read this', din't it. An' fuck me if my phone didn't ring just as I fought about what that meant. It was me wife, you see. She left a message, an' all that, which I din't listen to. Then she rang again, an' probably left anuvver one.

I din't listen to 'em. I just sat there wiv this 'orrible sinking feeling in my stomach about 'ow to work it all out. I fought about lying to 'er an' sayin' I'd been 'avin' an affair, but that was just bleedin' stupid. I couldn't tell 'er the truth neever cos she always said she'd leave me if she found out I'd been gamblin'.

So that was it; me, sittin' in a cafe in Stamford 'Ill most likely about to get divorced after 14 years of marriage. I was cryin' - ain't no shame in admittin' that - when I looked up at the computer, an' me bank account an' I saw the £72,000 sittin' there...