Upon four legged forest clouds (IP)

The dream took me just after waking. This should have been in itself quite surprising, but at the time it seemed perfectly ordinary. I was walking through the park on my way to town when I caught a whiff of something sweet, and that was it. I was, for want of a better word, transported. I would like to say that this was physically the case, but judging by the state of my attire on waking I fear my somnambulant self was all too responsible for that.

It was a pleasant afternoon and the sun was warm on my face. I remember looking up and closing my eyes for a second, allowing the heat to spread over my cheeks and into my eyes. I don't remember doing so consciously but I must have spread my arms as well in secular adulation to gods long since disproved. When I opened my eyes saw that my arms - and from the feel of it my head and shoulders also - were spread and with hardly any surprise also saw a selection of brightly coloured birds perched on them, all staring at me.

It was a second or two before I realised that they had coordinated their order based on colour. On the tip of my left hand was a shockingly bight pink, delicate and tiny long-tailed bird whilst on my right there was a tiny swan with plumage of a particularly sanguine red. This swan in particular was more distracted than the rest as its webbed feet were obviously having trouble gripping my finger tip. I turned my hand sideways to give it a flat surface to stand on and was given a gracious honk along with a chorus of less decorous chirps and squawks from the other recumbents.

There was an interlude of ruffling feathers and rearrangement on my hand and the other birds looked on most patiently. When the final finch had finished and turned his head back to my eyes it seemed that matters could proceed and a green woodpecker leapt from my head and with one single flap of its wings spun itself around to land on the ground facing me.

"You have been called upon for jury duty, my good sir. We will require your attentions post-haste, if you would oblige." This was quite clearly not a question. I was too confused to respond but must have smirked at this most curious sight for the bird then said, "Quite amusing, clearly. Now take a deep breath, you may feel some slight discomfort."

I was struck by an image from my childhood from a cartoon, where tiny birds grabbed a tuft of fabric each and carried a person away to some sweet surrender. It was a carefree and delicate seeming act to my mind, something that must have felt almost spiritual owing to its kinship with these little animals and the transcendence of flying. That I was thus distracted was perhaps a mercy on reflection as the reality was somewhat different.

Whilst I was awaiting carriage by these patient and curious looking birds they were looking quite nervous. A shadow flashed over us and they all looked up and behind me. I had just conceived to turn my head when they scattered, evanescing into the sunlit sky like a dust of gemstones. Then there was a great change of pressure, my ears went quite deaf, and my chest constricted so tightly that i feared my ribs would ingratiate themselves quite irreversibly on my pulmonary system. The last thing I remember before I blacked out was the sensation of my feet leaving the ground.

I came to sitting upright in what felt like an armchair but was in fact a thusly shaped bank covered in a luscious moss. It was another bright and sunny day (I was uncertain if it was the same one, or the same dream - there was a sense of consistency though, in that ineluctable way you only get in dreams) wherever I was, but I was shaded by some kind of canopy. Even so I was rather hot so this was a mercy. My chest no longer hurt, although my shirt had a hole in the side and through this I had a small, round cut out of which a ruby of blood had dried. I was about to pick it off - an insalubrious habit, I accept - when I heard the pointed clearing of a throat. I was rather afraid that this was for my benefit, so I desisted and looked up, whereupon In front of me landed a feather that was as long as I was tall.

Perhaps, I conjectured, my canopy was actually something quite different. I confess that I let out a small gasp when I looked up and discovered that it was in fact a rather large bald headed bird. The feather had come from its left wing where it had been rummaging with it's beak. It rumbled a brief ''Pologies sir. Let me get that.' before reaching down with its beak and removing the colossal article.

I was transfixed, staring upwards with my lower jaw very much heading in the opposite direction when my astonishment was interrupted; 'Thank you bailiff. If you could restrain for the proceedings, however, we might preserve what precious little attention our jury has.' The bailiff-bird shifted its weight from one foot to the other and gave what sounded rather like a resentful sniff.

He maintained a stoic immobility from this point onwards and so I slowly brought my sight back down to my level and, belatedly perhaps, thought to identify the owner of the reprimanding voice. This, however, was no mean feat as in front of me there was a bewildering array of animals. They seemed to be all woodland animals or more of the shockingly brightly coloured birds. At a glance I saw badgers, foxes, a couple of bears and wild boars, although of these the badgers were by far the largest and the bears were nervous and diminutive looking things. Some of them inhabited lower branches of trees and I swear I saw a line of them passing pieces of fruit in a line up the trunk of one.

The birds were quite staggeringly beautiful though, as en masse they resembled a most intense impressionist masterwork of iridescence. I was certainly too close to comprehend anything other than individual brush strokes, but these included squadrons of the finches, tiny swans and long-tailed fellows who had first confronted me. To tell the rest would take me all day, at least, but I saw glass feathers, ostriches ten metres tall grazing on the upper canopies, golden spoonbills, brass forkbills, silver knifewings and a pair of rope herons that were hinged at every joint with squeaky pulleys.

And in the centre of them all sat what was undeniably a dodo. Of course, you tell me, the dodo is extinct, but amongst the various wonders before me it was a highly mundane sight, being much as historical records had described. Admittedly the judge's wig was unusual, but he was uniquely modest in colour and size.

It was this bird who had spoken and he who proceeded to explain - far too rapidly for me to fully assimilate - the fine details of a dispute over the gardens of two of these animals. Apparently one of the tiny swans - a rather vociferous and bitter lime-green one - had installed an expansive pond at the bottom of its garden and this was preventing its neighbour from accessing the fields and woods beyond. The neighbour was a blue fox and, judging by his interjections and demeanour, was not blessed by the famed cunning of his species.

I was staring at this rather extraordinary display when I realised that, once again, they were all staring back at me. The dodo banged his beak on a flat, cut trunk before him with a formidable sound and demanded, 'Your opinion!'

I furrowed my brow and started with the first observation that came to mind, 'So the plaintiff (the fox, you see) cannot access his hunting grounds and must find food elsewhere?'

There was much cacophony at this. Some of it seemed angry, but most was simply amused. I bore this, not knowing what else to do, silently, until finally the judge crystallised their distaste into one, most bitter, summation. "Why, they've brought an ignoramus! Should we be expected to listen to so base a creature for judgement?!"

I pleaded for an explanation from them, asked them to grace me with the reason for my apparent offence. The dodo was brokering no such discussion, however, and rattled of instructions to those around me with no hesitation, pause for breath, or even gaps between words. I was to be dismissed, a new jury summoned, the case held until such time as fit personage was found, the plaintiff was to cease his filling in of the pond, the defendant was to cease expanding the far side and relocating the products of excavations on to the plaintiff's doorstep, the stenographer bird (sans typewriter, but with a considerable cranium) to file reports in the usual manner and thus court was adjourned.

The last thing I heard ere the crushing in my chest returned was this, 'Hereupon the 43rd of Wednesday, I declare this session of the Court of the Four Legged Forest Clouds closed!', followed by another loud bang of his beak, and then blackness.

And thus I found myself as you did, amongst the briars in a corner of the park. I do indeed have a cut in my side, although the doctor reliably informs me that I gained this when entering the bush. I assume this accounts for the state of my clothes as well. From what I understand I did no-one any harm other than myself. I am sorry if the children were scared by my conduct, but for me it remains a mystery as to how I deported myself.

I assure you that I have told the utter truth as my mind recalls it. I fear that this is the drastic symptom of stress of some sort - perhaps the week off work would be a good thing in this instance. I am not sure I can make sense of it all as yet. It is certainly the strangest thing that has happened to me since the curious day that I realised I was no longer a child and that I had become someone quite unknown to myself. But I digress; this, perhaps, is a conversation for another time and another audience.

Hopefully you understand, officer.