WETTY KITTY
If you can answer this
I will eat my hat
How can you describe
The smell of a wet cat
WHAT A RELIEF
While I was standing at the bus stop one day
An old blind man and his dog passed my way
As they were about to cross via the pelican
The dog cocked his leg urinating on the man
The man reached into his pocket for a treat
And leant down to feet the dog at his feet
Amazed by this great act of human kindness
I remarked to him about his thoughtfulness
I need to find out where his mouth is friend
The blind man said so I can kick his arse end
PRETTY *!£$*!**!%$** POLLY
My uncle had a parrot when I was young
It was a blue and yellow colored bird
He got it first when he was a naval man
And it had the foulest mouth you ever heard
It would swear in front of my old aunts
All the neighbors and even the reverend
Next time the punishment would be severe
After every outburst the parrot was warned
The bird thought they were empty threats
So the parrot did swear a further time
And the punishment was extremely severe
He was thrown into the freezer for his crime
He was shivering and cold and very sorry
When he was let out after an hour or two
He apologized unreservedly but asked
Tell me what on earth did that chicken do?
GOD’S CREATURE’S
If god had not intended
Animals for us to eat
He would never have
Made them out of meat
OH GOD
Why oh why I just can’t see
Why god created the bee
The only reason I can see
Is because he liked the honey
Why, is my interlocutor?
Did god create the alligator?
My conclusion at this stage
They make very good luggage
Why oh why I must remark
Why did god create the shark?
After eons here’s the scoop
All I can say is shark fin soup
Why oh why I cannot grasp
Did god create the wasp?
I cannot think of anything
Wasps are simply irritating
Why oh why I do not know
Did god create the mosquito?
There is no reason as I say
He must have had a bad day
Why oh why for heavens sake
Did god ever create the snake?
A bad idea I’ve always felt
But they do make a good belt
Why oh why I ask with no rider
Why did god create the spider?
Common sense it just defies
Though they do eat the flies
Why oh why to heaven I cry
Why did god create the fly?
They don’t have a nice song
I think god just got it wrong
Why I’ve been asking for a while
Did god create the crocodile?
Not a creature that I would chose
But they make very good shoes
BEAR NECESSITIES
When in the North America forests
On holiday
Carry with you a whistle
And a can of pepper spray
Because you might meet a bear
A small bear eats mainly fruit
And the occasional squirrel
And can be easily scared away
With a sharp blast on your whistle
That’s how to deal with a small bear
A large bear won’t be frightened away
By a blast of your whistle
But a squirt of your pepper spray
Will do the trick not a lot just a little
That’s how to deal with a large bear
You can check if bears are in the area
By examining there droppings
If it smells of fruit
And contains squirrel fur
Then it was deposited by a small bear
However if the more dangerous large bear
Left its deposit along the way
It will probably contain a whistle
And it will smell of pepper spray
CAN WE HAVE A PET DAD?
Can we have a pet dad?
How about some fish?
Swimming in a tank
Oh I wish, I wish, I wish
No we can’t have a pet son
And no I don’t like fish
Swimming in a tank
I like them poached lightly on a dish
Can we have a pet dad?
How about a hamster?
Running on a wheel
Oh can I have one sir
No we can’t have a pet son
No I don’t like hamsters
Running on a wheel
But baked in the oven with roasters
Can we have a pet dad?
How about a cat?
Purring on your lap
What’s wrong with that?
No we can’t have a pet son
And no I don’t like cat
Purring on me lap
Curried though oh yes I do like that
Can we have a pet dad?
How about a gerbil?
They’re cuddly and cute
That would be a thrill
No we can’t have a pet son
And no I don’t like a gerbil
Even cuddly and cute
Except in white wine sauce with dill
Can we have a pet dad?
Now how about some mice?
They’re not big like rats
They’d be very nice
No we can’t have a pet son
And no I don’t like mice
Though not big like rats
I like them served on a bed of rice
Can we have a pet dad?
How about a rat?
They’re cheap to keep
What do you think of that?
No we can’t have a pet son
And no I don’t like rats
Even I have standards
I think I would rather eat my hats
Can we have a pet dad?
How about a doggie?
Playing with a ball
Much better than a moggie
No we can’t have a pet son
And no I don’t like dogs
Playing with a ball
But I do like to wok the dogs
Can we have a pet dad?
How about a parrot?
Chatting on its perch
I’d like that a lot
No we can’t have a pet son
No I don’t like them see
Chatting on their perch
Because parrots repeat on me
WHERE EAGLE’S DARE
Over mountains up on high
A lonely Eagle had to fly
For years he had been alone
In the mountains on his own
Mostly he was a happy lad
But sometimes he got sad
So decided to fly down below
For some “company” you know
It wasn’t a very long journey
Before he reached a leafy tree
Where he met a Tit called Tina
And there the Eagle had her
Then after he had had his way
He bad farewell and flew away
So after the deed was done
And the Eagle had had his fun
Tina said, “I am a little Tit
And I’ve had a little bit
And I liked it”
Over mountains up on high
A lonely Eagle had to fly
For years he had been alone
In the mountains on his own
Mostly he was a happy lad
But sometimes he got sad
So decided to fly down below
For some “company” you know
It wasn’t a very long journey
Before he reached a leafy tree
And he met a Dove called Daisy
Where the Eagle had her easily
Then after he had had his way
He bad farewell and flew away
So after the deed was done
And the Eagle had had his fun
Daisy Said, “I am a little dove
And I’ve had a little love
And I liked it”
Over mountains up on high
A lonely Eagle had to fly
For years he had been alone
In the mountains on his own
Mostly he was a happy lad
But sometimes he got sad
So decided to fly down below
For some “company” you know
It’s journey wasn’t very harsh
And soon he reached a marsh
Where the met a Duck called Jo
And the Eagle had her just so
Then after he had had his way
He bad farewell and flew away
So after the deed was done
And the eagle had had his fun
Jo said, “I am a little Drake
And he made a big mistake
But I liked it”
HAPPY AS A PIG
I don’t wish to appear a prig
But never wrestle with a pig
Don’t even do it for a bet
This you should not forget
You’ll both be covered in shit
And the pig really likes it
WHERE EAGLES DARE
Eagles may soar free and proud
Soaring high among the cloud
And they may look down to view
On more humble creatures who
Can’t soar high among the cloud
And cannot soar free and proud
But these creatures I should begin
Never get sucked into a jet engine
