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LOVES METAPHOR

Posted by Biggus on March 23, 2009 - 08:34
from the ABC set ROMANTICALLY INCLINED TALES - ROMANCE

Not even the angels above
Could make a better match
So please be with me
And I will make you happy
Such is the depth of my lasting love
Intense and profound
Deeper than the deepest ocean
Enduring till that watery abyss
Dries to sun baked desert
And its powdery form runs
Through your fingers
And loves metaphor is blown away
Like smoke on the wind

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Comments

threeleafshamrock | March 23, 2009 - 11:12

Beautiful sentiment! I know that in the context of this piece the line 'Deeper than the deepest ocean' is perfectly in rhythm. It just seems to stand out so much, having been clichéd in so many poems, stories and songs; it seems to draw to much attention to itself, as to almost detract from the work. Sorry if this seems like a criticism (which I am definitely not qualified to make), it is just that the rest of the piece is so powerful and honest. I hope you know what I am trying to say and not take offence. The second half is particularly strong.

Chris

Biggus | March 23, 2009 - 13:00

Thanks Chris.
No offence taken at all, I am always happy to receive constructive criticism.
I will certainly look at replacing that line.
I appreciate you taking the time to comment

Paul