I simply feel so superior
To every European person
As I don’t eat cheese at breakfast
Or put marmalade on bacon
It’s great not being
Foreign all the same
As my country rarely
Changes its name
The great thing about being
Superior to foreigners
Is not indulging in ritual
Stoning of adulterers
The greatest thing
About not being a foreigner
Is not having to eat
Christmas pud in high summer
The great thing about
Not being a foreign Johnny
Is when on trains and buses?
Rug sellers do not approach me
Nor do half the passengers
Ride on the top for free
It’s really great not being a foreigner
As I don’t have to ask myself whether
The man with a feather in his hat is a forester
A customs man or a rural police officer
I am proud to be British
And the reason why
I am never expected
To fight giant octopi
It’s ok to feel superior
To foreigners and heretics
As witchcraft plays little part
In British politics
I have found many reasons
Not to be foreign as yet
Such as not having to marry
A girl I have never met
Without a doubt not being
A foreigner is for the best
As I don’t have to eat snails
Snakes or even birds nest
It’s really great not
Being a foreigner
As my countrymen
Don’t wear hats with a feather
I am proud to be British
Like many realists
As I am not expected to be
Scarred by duelists
It’s ok to feel superior
To foreigners and heretics
As poisoning plays little part
In British politics
I have found many reasons
Not to be foreign without doubt
Such as papers and magazines
With none of the bits cut out
Feeling superior to Johnny foreigner
Is not balderdash
As I don’t wake to find my garden
Covered in volcanic ash
I am proud not to be
A European I must admit
As I don’t have to display
My virility or permit
Myself to be chased by bulls
And avoiding fighting it
I say I’m glad to be British
And similar refrains
Because when riding through
Our towns in cars and trains
We do not see any sacred cows
Wearing daisy chains
It’s so great to feel superior
To foreigners in oh so many ways
Like expecting today’s cabinet
To be much the same as yesterdays
Being an Englishman
Means that I’m in heaven
As in England we know how
To write the number seven
It’s great being British
And what it represents
As we do not have to avoid
Rampaging elephants
Or numerous groups
Of trigger happy students
It’s so easy to feel superior
To almost every foreign nation
After all I live in a country where
Ex PM’s appear on live television
It’s great being English
And not just for the pounds
As we don’t burn down embassies
On theological grounds
I am proud too be British
Like many other sages
As my newspapers don’t
Devote all their front pages
To a single bike race
For what seems like ages
I really feel superior to
Every type of foreigners
As I’m not woken by the cries
Of coyotes and hyenas
It’s great being British
And despising other nations
As we don’t have to watch
The cremating at cremations
I feel so superior
To foreign visitors
As I know where to stand
When riding escalators
It’s great being British
And what it represents
As I’m not expected to skate
To my days appointments
I feel superior to
The foreigners I meet
As we don’t perform
Cremations in the street
It’s really great not to be
A Johnny foreigner
Because driving on
British roads I will never
Need to avoid potholes
That are
Big enough to hide
A double decker
