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It's just a headache

Posted by blighters rock on January 24, 2012 - 15:42

I lie in bed. It's morning and I've got another trademark headache. I never used to get headaches when I was drinking, apart from hangovers..
Sobriety's great but I keep getting these headaches.
I think they're signs that I'm not thinking right, that I need to do more work on myself, like God's trying to tell me to buck up my ideas and get on with life.
I get up and look out the window.
It's the most disgraceful day in the history of the world. Traffic, silent rain, dark grey sky, skeletal trees, no wind, suburban misery; dead.
If SAD had a National Day, it would be today. Behind my left eye, a nerve throbs violently so I start to imagine that I need brain surgery (as you do).
Maybe it's something to do with the frontal lobe.
After Mum gave birth to me, she had emergency surgery on her forehead and now, 46 years later, she has frontal lobe dementia.
I always felt guilty for that, thinking it must have been my fault. The fourth-born. The postman's. Voila le hic. Me.
I lie in bed and I know I need to take some ibuprofen, but first I must eat.
I go downstairs for tea and Shredded Wheat, then I gobble two pills down.
It's funny how I'm so prudish about my tummy now I've given up the booze. Talk about extremes. Twelve pints and ten spliffs and now I can't even bring myself to take ibuprofen on an empty stomach.
After half an hour, the pills still refuse to work (they're the NHS-supplied ones and not the ones I usually get from Poundland), so I lie in bed, moaning to myself, worrying about brain surgery and frontal lobes and how it's all meant to be for the way I treated my Mum before I got clean.
Seeing into the future all too clearly, resigning myself to the knife, chisel and hammer in a matter of minutes, my protective instincts return to yesterday at the care-home.
Mum can't stop saying 'I love you' at the moment. It's like she needs to assure me of her love, so I tell her 'and I love you too, Mum. You know that, don't you?' to which she calms down and smiles. It doesn't take long for her to get upset again, so it's a case of her repeating things and me consoling.
She reacts well to facial stroking and smiling but the illness can jerk her senses around at will, so she's prone to looking at inanimate objects and saying things like 'she's evil'.
She'd be very proud if she knew I'd been clean and sober for nearly seventeen months, but that's too much for her brain to handle.
Anyway, yesterday, she kept saying 'poor boy, poor boy', looking at me with an expression full of fear and despair. I could feel her pain and wanted to help, but all I could imagine was that she felt guilty for not really being there for me after I was born.
My reply to her was 'you did the best you could, Mum. You had three daughters and then me,' pulling a face, 'but look at me now. I'm fine', smiling Les Dawson style.
That took her out of her hell so I'm learning how to deal with it.
Lying in bed, my eyes feel like they're crying dry tears, not because of Mum but because the ibuprofen's trying but failing to win over the headache.
I play with thoughts of seeing the doctor and going in for a scan and being told the inevitable and coming out with a Frankenstein gash across my forehead, wrapped in bandages, looking like a gormless freak, and I know- I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. I know that.
It's just a headache.

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Comments

skinner_jennifer | January 24, 2012 - 17:01

Hi Richard,

the mind is a strange thing, if we think to much,
we can imagine all kinds of terrible things, I
find deep breathing excercises help me, when I
feel anxious, you'd be surprised how much deep
breathing can release the toxins through the body.

I think to give up all the bad things as you have
done, is amazing and to be completely clean and dry for nearly seventeen months, it could be that you're
have delayed reaction to giving up, it can affect
people in that way sometimes.

I hope this is about you, even though you put it
under Miscellaneous. Take care and remember Springs
on its way.

Jenny.

insertponceyfre... | January 24, 2012 - 17:49

a well written slice of your life - very readable - and congratulations for overcoming the block

blighters rock | January 24, 2012 - 18:45

Hi Jenny, I do breathing exercises at night but yawn a lot when I'm trying to be a serious breather. It's good for the digestive system too, gives room for all the organs to settle in for the night. Ta for your encouragement. Sobriety's a damn sight easier than being out there but it was never the booze that was the problem. It's my head, and I've still got that! It's hard to confront emotion but every day takes me closer to my real self, which is where I need to be.
Hi Insert, I'm not sure if I'm over the block (maybe I've become too comfy in the dysfunction) but it's a start. Lovely to see you last Wednesday.
Thanks to the cherrypickers.

FallenAngel | January 24, 2012 - 20:29

This is very true about people and just shows personal experience can make people more anxious than others. You really deserved the cherry pick well done :)

threeleafshamrock | January 24, 2012 - 22:15

Very readable and somehow addictive...honesty is kind of like that I suppose. Nice one, I enjoyed this; it's short but with a lot in it.

Chris ;)

blighters rock | January 24, 2012 - 23:07

Many thanks, FallenAngel and Chris

Cavalcaderl | January 24, 2012 - 23:29

new blightersrock
Hi! Richard,Well done on the cherries!
Well written and so true! to life! as I
well know myself,things like you mention
not being able to concentrate for long,or even
read a book! headaches and many things done!
And threw all away after many years after affects.
Not drugs? May like to read,long poem just tried.
'Soul Scroll' (IP)
Dark room rest. Breathing,muisc no words so on.
And bless your mum as you do,with love by holding
her hand. Also headaaches cane be form of worry!
Wrong lighting or we need beter glasses.
A friend another one lost his brother,lived with
in his eighties in age now! had a full check! he is
fine accept for indigestion problem. Pleased.
Only listen within a limit,don't rush around too much! Papers full of all now,and can't say much,
type so long now! But can't afford to go backwards in
anyway! We are all different personalities.
Bless you,love to your mum, doing absolutely right!
So proud of you,we do have go threw deepest things sometimes, I know? And your special words in signing,
of your great book you sent,kindly to me,absolutely true! Many thanks. Most tablets I know,never take on empty stomache,many don't and can't have drink!
Take care god bless you too. I had bad waking! myself,with the papers,full of the things happening,
and happened. So Ray took me see frined in wheelchair,been in hospital again,another one in 8o's. He just smiled when he saw us! Butt tow buses so don't go alone! Plus I went London church once,
not knowing priest not going,we stopped watch something we told,I was lost know money and not looked for. Terrible not knowing streets,crying and asking police the way,for special meeting, day time!
That's enough from me,found place,couldn't get out coach quick! enough on way back! forgive them! All another story. 'In him we trust!
julie Ray! he has gone to bed. xx

julie

Highhat | January 25, 2012 - 08:23

glad to see you posting again Richard- I have missed your stuff. I hope the headaches are just that- sometimes the painkillers just don't work..

I think Jenny may be right.. and big congrats with the 17 months- just so good- don't you feel strong?

;)Pia

blighters rock | January 25, 2012 - 17:16

Hi Julie and Pia, lovely messages as usual with lots of identification and thought. Those headaches come and go but I shouldn't give them too much headspace, plus I've been down to Poundland but they've replaced Anadin extra 12 tabs with 8, cheeky sods, so I went for Hedex 12 tabs instead. I only get one about every two weeks so it's not so bad. Life's full of ups and downs.
Richard

Cavalcaderl | January 25, 2012 - 23:10

new Blightersrock
Hi! Richard,
Hope found he right remedy for headaches.
It could relataion had migraine,need a darken room,
lay quietly,his children growing up different times to his and his wife! Many causes!
Wow! shortage aye! tablets,can happen,I always used
count,if wrong! query,not for headaches though!
Do read my last poem ideas and had most in it,also
way back Relaxation very very good I know!
Yes,and all ups and downs,one has too take!
Nobody know what! is round the corner sometimes.
Good bad ugly! Didn't get to singing,up late trying
poem! comp; maybe,and answering few comments.
bless you. Use cold water flannel across forehead
not for too long. Ray used to get one behind the eyes,all the adding up at work! Then and shiftwork!
Was ghastly. Take each day and moment as it comes.
Love to you mum,could show her photos or pictures,
memory,save you talking. May cause part headache!
Or get someone go with you,and smile though nothing is worrying you tip!
All the best.
julie x

MistakenMagic | January 27, 2012 - 14:59

"It's the most disgraceful day in the history of the world. Traffic, silent rain, dark grey sky, skeletal trees, no wind, suburban misery; dead.
If SAD had a National Day, it would be today."

- love these lines, Richard. The whole piece is full of a wry, black humour and the images of your mum are so touching and beautifully put. I'm also a terrible hypochondriac and know the worry that comes with headaches - that's it, it's a brain tumour, and I bet it's inoperable etc! Much enjoyed and well done on the cherries!

Magic xxx

blighters rock | January 27, 2012 - 21:38

Hi Julie and Magic,
Thanks for your comments. I've had a good, full day without headaches.
Have a great weekend.
Richard

hilary west | January 28, 2012 - 18:01

Nice exposition of your angst with plenty of background thrown in!