Who dares wander Bluegate Fields
solitary, all alone.
Through stinking streets and thereby yield
to the Devil and his own.
A dozen pairs of greedy eyes
squint covetous through the veil.
To walk these byways is unwise
and to drift beyond the pale.
The shadows pounce, strip you bare
they will steal your very soul;
beat you blue and leave you there
for Bluegate shall claim its toll.
Ragged children, thieving punks
cheek by jowl despairing.
Immoral women, maundering drunks;
In a cruel world uncaring
A Doctor and a policeman
or a hearse may venture in.
Bluegate Fields, to every man
is London’s deafening din.
Life is cheap in Bluegate Fields
death is a frequent stalker;
stray deeper in, your fate is sealed
so beware the reckless walker.
Comments
Jasper_Milvain | May 9, 2009 - 20:12
I'm not familiar with the text you mention in the teaser, but I did enjoy the poem, that is certainly brimming with Blakean charm.
I think that the rhythm slips a bit at times, and you might want to run though it again.
Thanks.
JM.
Bradene | May 10, 2009 - 09:47
Thanks for the comments JM, I've tried to fix it and I think this is better, what do you think? Val
Jasper_Milvain | May 10, 2009 - 15:37
Yes. This does work better, Val.
Personally, the only line I think needs attention is:
survival their only goal
and perhaps the line before it.
I'm not sure about the sound of that line, and I think that the pair of lines don't quite fit with the brilliant first two lines of the stanza.
Please bear in mind that this is just me, and that I often misjudge the prevailing taste.
Incidentally, I just read your competition entry. It's great! Erm ... now probably wouldn't be such a good time to mention again that I often misjudge prevailing tastes would it?
Hope this is helpful.
Thanks.
JM.
Bradene | May 10, 2009 - 16:00
How about that JM? Thanks for your help and reading my comp' entry. cheers Val
Jasper_Milvain | May 10, 2009 - 22:46
Yes. I think that's much better. Good luck in the comp too.