Slowly I become aware
of a voice inside my head;
the resonance of your words
and the knowledge you are dead.
It makes my body tremble
like a leaf caught in the breeze
As I hear it ricochet
in my head to taunt and tease.
The echo keeps haunting me
mocking me through the night;
bouncing off the bedroom walls
nerves stretching taut and tight.
Then just before the dawn breaks
realisation loud and clear
that for the rest of my life
your echo will linger here.
Comments
MistakenMagic | June 30, 2009 - 16:02
There's a real sadness with this poem Val and I'm sure so many people can relate to the loss of a loved one, myself included.
I just wonder about the rhyme with these lines;
'It makes my body tremble
like a leaf caught in the wind
as I hear it ricochet
through each chamber of my mind.'
It just jarred me a bit that this is the only pair that don't fully rhyme 'wind/mind'. But of course I know how much of a pain it is to re-write and think up rhymes so feel free to ignore me ;)
Magic xxx
Bradene | June 30, 2009 - 20:21
Hi Majic, can't ignore you when I know that you are quite right, you kicked me in the behind and made me re-think, exactly as I should have done before I subbed. I have re-worked it a little and I think it is better now, though I know it's not one of my best efforts. Thanks a million for letting me know how you felt, always glad when someone cares enough to tell me I'm wrong. Love Val x
MistakenMagic | June 30, 2009 - 21:36
I love the re-write Val - love the sound patterning with tease/breeze! Works very well ;)
I hope you didn't think I was bullying you into it in any way! Just my two cents, but really happy I could help :)
Magic xxx
Bradene | July 1, 2009 - 08:53
Glad you like it Magic was well worth doing I think and please , how could you imagine I felt bullied, I'm just happy someone took the trouble to comment. Thanks again. Val x
Nathan Bednarek | July 1, 2009 - 16:12
I love the rhythm in this one, dear Val, and the imagery is mouth-watering ;-)
Well done!
Nathan.
Bradene | July 2, 2009 - 12:41
Thanks Nathan you are a gent. Valx