Out loud, he said
I want to die at home
in my own bed
with those I love around.
Shocked,
she looked back at him with silent groan
and raw
determination there she found.
Steadfastly
in his paling eyes she saw
a warning
not to bicker at his choice,
knowing
well enough not to argue more,
nodding
chose not to let him hear her voice
fear filled,
nor sense the dread down deep within
her troubled spirit,
sorrow wreathed, torn apart
with grief.
Pain pierced, pricked her aging skin.
and seared her soul
to join the wreckage of her heart.
©
Copyright
VMM2008
Comments
MistakenMagic | November 12, 2008 - 15:31
A very sad and poignant poem Val. A beautiful piece.
Magic xxx
Silver Spun Sand | November 12, 2008 - 16:55
Yes, so very sad, Val. Beautifully written.
Tina xx
jennifer | November 13, 2008 - 10:10
Excellent expression, but not sure about where the line breaks come, for example, at the beginning, I think the break should be after 'he 'said' so that 'I want to die at home' is a statement with a line all to itself.
J x
Bradene | November 13, 2008 - 10:31
Thanks Magic for your comment. Val x
Bradene | November 13, 2008 - 10:32
Happy you think so Tina. Val x
Bradene | November 13, 2008 - 10:33
I've edited it that way and I think it does read better, I'm now wondering about the rest. I'll have to have a fiddle later. Thanks again for your very welcome thoughts and input. Val x
jennifer | November 13, 2008 - 10:40
Better, but think you need commas:
Out loud, he said,
I want to die at home
I think it's an excellent poem, perhaps the simplicity of the staccato lines should be left alone...