Winter’s here, I hate this weather,
Let’s feel blue and down together.
Know I shouldn’t think this way
Just wish summertime could stay.
Where's the sun, I miss its warming
My old bones, arthritis forming
In my feet and in my back.
Hope the flu will not attack…
Just one more old woman moaning,
Please old sport, don’t you start groaning!
Shouldn’t waste time heeding me,
Boil the kettle, brew some tea.
Poor chap your teeth are chattering,
Shut me up and stop me nattering.
Just forget how bad I feel
Cook for us a special meal.
Something nice, yes, something nourishing,
Keep us both so bloody flourishing.
Keep us cosy, keep us warm
Keep us from the winter storm
©
Copyright
VMM2008
Comments
FTSE100 | November 4, 2008 - 22:23
Hi Val. Good poem, which is what really counts.
From a purely mechanical, academic standpoint you've pretty well got the idea but there are a few rough edges. (Sorry, but you did ask!) I won't say any more here, but if you'd like me to give details please feel free to contact me and I'll e-mail the full works. I'm just learning the academic side of poetry writing myself, so maybe we can help each other out.
My theory is that its a good idea to be very strict with yourself at first, then when you decide to break the rules later you'll be doing it deliberately, to achieve an effect you intend, and not accidentally, which just makes a mess! (That's not a criticism of your poem, just a rule I am trying to apply to my own writing.)
Anyway, a very enjoyable poem. The first stanza made me feel cold, but the second warmed me up again, so I think I'll stop there!
Bradene | November 4, 2008 - 23:17
Thanks FT, I agree entirely. I'm happy you decided to comment and appreciate your offer have emailed you, thanks again. Val
tcook | November 5, 2008 - 10:42
I like it too! I am not perfect on the strict forms of poetry but I can see the odd rough edge from the sound. If you read Hiawatha you'll get the rhythm and once or twice here it seemed to get out of step.
The most difficult line is 'Poor love your teeth are chattering' as you cannot put the stress on the soft word, love.
But I am sure that the purists (and I use that word in a complimentary fashion) will put you right.
Bradene | November 5, 2008 - 11:25
Thanks Tony really appreciate the help and comments, just love the cherries :) I was thinking maybe chap would be a better word than love, you think? Val