Down Portishead,
on a cold pebble shore,
there were all-night fishermen
on our all-night tour.
And I said to my friend
who loved his guitar,
(watching star-bright boats on a star-black sky),
if you make a bird, then you want it to fly.
Words are birds
and songs have wings.
There are waiting years
for lasting things.
And I said to my friend,
who loved his guitar,
(watching sea-deep stars in a sea-deep sky),
if you make a bird, then you want it to fly.
Comments
h jenkins | July 17, 2010 - 01:01
I like this a lot. Very atmospheric.
Just one thought if you don't mind.
I think you should repeat the idea of star-bright and star-black in the first stanza so that there's a similar change to the second one rather than the repetition of sea-deep. Perhaps sea-deep stars in a sea-drenched sky - or something like that. I think the alliteration is important to retain. Speaking of which, you could add to that by making it star-bright ships rather than boats.
It's very good though. I really like the way that the last line, which seems somewhat abstruse in the first stanza, then makes real sense in the second.
Helvigo Jenkins
Nolan | November 8, 2010 - 13:03
"Words are birds
and songs have wings”
Isn’t it so beautiful!
~ ω ~