The Great Mistake: Part 4

The garden's full of Heather and Dad's friends from the uni. I'm the youngest person by, like, forty years. I walk into the garden trying to be inconspicuous.
“Here she is! It's the birthday girl!” Heather starts up. Dad grins. He wanders over with two bottles of beer, hands me one.
“Happy birthday Eye,” he says and pulls me in for a Dad hug. I don't squirm out straight away. Heather gives me a squeeze too.
Everyone looks at me for a few seconds longer, then turn back to chatting about books and lizards, whatever the hell it is they talk about.
Dad and Heather hover around, Heather trying to communicate something to Dad with her eyebrows.
“So, we had a bit of good news today Eye. Our pitch for the book has been accepted and they're giving us an advance of ten thousand pounds.”
He grins as he says this and I grin back.
“Cool. Ten thousand pounds.”
“I know.”
Heather and Dad look at each other and laugh. Dad goes in for a kiss. Just a little one, but still. There are children present. I escape to the barbecue, weaving in and out of academics, thinking about having a mushroom burger.
“Iris!”
Oh no. It's Sally Beale. She's my Dad's boss at the university and she freaks me out.
“Good day?”
She beams at me, the apples of her cheeks all shiny and bright. I nod and smile, wishing wishing Dad had never told me she was going through IVF.
“Did your friends have anything planned for you at school?”
“Oh, I don't really have any friends,” I say, watching the disappointment flick across her face. Old Sal hates saying the wrong thing.
“Well, you haven't been there long, have you. These things take time. I'm sure you'll make friends...”
Well recovered Sal. I smile big to overcompensate for thinking she's a weener.
“How about you? Have you had a good day.”
“Well, it's pretty exciting about the book, everyone at the uni's pretty worked up about it.”
I nod enthusiastically, make mmm sounds.
“I'm starving! D'you want anything from the barbecue?” I rub my belly to further indicate that I'm starving and can't chat, and take a couple of slow steps away.
“No, no, that's okay. I've already eaten two burgers!”
I'm not surprised, she's pretty chubby, Sal. She really looks like the kind of woman that should be dangling two children off each arm.
“Good to see you,” I say, in my mature voice, still overcompensating for bad thoughts.
She waves and wanders off.
David David is by the barbecue. I'm glad to see him as he rarely says a word. Good work putting yourself on barbecue duty, Davey. No time for idle chatter when you've got a dozen mushrooms to turn.
We nod, then stand in silence. He cuts halloumi and puts them on a mushroom. Black water drips onto the coal and hisses. Dave concentrates on slicing a cob. I look around the garden.
Sally's sitting underneath the apple tree now, probably feeling bad that this isn't her daughter's birthday, thinking what she'd do if it was. She'd have made a cake, that's for sure. There'd have been helium balloons. She picks handfuls of grass and leans back, squinting up at the sky.
Heather and Dad stand with bottles of beer, talking to Julia from the Ethics section. I tip my imaginary cap at them and make my way to the apple tree, sit down next to Sally. She beams at me and mushroom juice runs down my chin.
“So things aren't going well at school then? You don't like it?”
I chew, really not wanting to get into it. “It's okay. I've not exactly made much of an impression.”
Her blue eyes ignite with sympathy.
“But you know, it's okay. I just need to find my niche...”
“Mmmm.” she nods. I carry on eating my burger. The grass is itchy against my bare legs and I think of all the tiny creatures running about in there, the organisms on our skin, alive and complex, but just too small to see. Sally shuffles awkwardly, and I think perhaps I'll catch her off guard.
She starts talking at the same time as I do, but I'm not going to back down now. I repeat myself.
“Did you know my mum, Sally?”
Her face changes. She actually looks around the garden as if to see who can hear. What the hell did my mum do that was so bad? At first, I thought it was just because she broke Dad's heart the way she did but I'm really starting to wonder. Sally still hasn't said anything, but you can read her face like a kids' book. She knows something but she's not going to tell me. Her loyalty is to Dad.
“No, I didn't really know her Eye. How come you ask?”
“Oh, you know,” I say, keeping it casual.
What a stupid question. Why do I ask? Why the hell wouldn't I ask? She's my mother. Why have all these people made me feel like I shouldn't? Dad closes up so completely whenever I mention her name that I've stopped asking him. And like I said, he doesn't really say much anymore. It just feels mean to ask Heather, though she'd probably be the most rational about it.
Sally sits too still and I can feel her mulling over her response. I can tell she's just waiting for me to go away so she can run over to my dad and tell him, check she did the right thing.
I bet he wouldn't get all tight-lipped on her. He'd probably respond normally, like it was any other person he was talking about. I wonder what he says about her when I'm not there. He must say something. He must have spoken to Heather about it.
Sally moves and I just know she's going to try and change the subject, so I get up. I get a few beers from the fridge and walk back into the house. Heather notices but leaves me to it. Dad's still talking to Julia.