The Baroness is in the garden,
Broad-brimmed hat, gloves, secateurs, bees buzzing,
Those hollyhocks are lovely but goodness they grow tall.
(Her daughter speaks broken English. Wants to be an actress she says.
Which is fine of course, but the drug-taking is a worry,
A product of the Bohemian company she keeps.
Perhaps the convent school had been a mistake?
One wants the best for one’s children,
But one doesn’t want to be a snob).
The Baroness wonders about planting some carrots
Causing much excitement in the seed packet.
She hopes it’s not too late.
It will be a day like many others she supposes,
Birds will sing, a cup of tea will somehow get made,
She may feel a little queasy,
Needing a lie down she will take to her bed,
And pass gently away, never to hear her daughter sing,
The Seven Deadly Sins.
Comments
Jupiter | June 4, 2009 - 17:12
Hi Chuck. Like this a lot.
chuck | June 4, 2009 - 19:08
Thanks...why?
Jupiter | June 4, 2009 - 19:20
It's an interesting comfortably moving story. The way you paint it I feel I know these people and the situation. The transition seems a little jagged but ...
Why do you ask why? Is it actually a story about your alien encounter last Friday night on your way home from the kebab shop and I have completely missed the point? ;)
chuck | June 4, 2009 - 19:33
It's helpful to me if I get some idea why people like/dislike my writing. Aliens? Maybe...the poem is actually about Marianne Faithfull.
Jupiter | June 4, 2009 - 19:43
Well, there you go Chuck, I had no idea. But I guess I would need general knowledge way beyond my current level to have spotted that one - or a crush ;).
I liked it for the way it felt and the drug taking and bohemian society kept added an extra layer of interest. I guess for me it's all in the story and the way you laid it out.
chuck | June 4, 2009 - 19:48
Maybe it is a bit cryptic but I didn't want to be too obvious. It helps to know that Ms. Faithfull's mother was a baroness and she grew up in the Weimar Republic....hence the Brecht/Weill reference.
Jupiter | June 4, 2009 - 20:31
Sorry mate, I'm just too uncultured for this game, perhaps I should quit while I'm behind, you know, come back when I've got less time? ;)
Its no wonder I'm reluctant to comment on works here ;D lol
I saw it as the daughter doing stuff her mother would rather not see and I did wonder why you had chosen to refer to it as The Seven Deadly Sins but that's my limit Chuck. Neither knew nor cared who wrote it or where they were from. I have no problem being honest with you. I spent too long listening to people in business pretending they understood stuff they didn't and then ending up with something completely different to what they actually needed, to pretend myself.
I feel sure that the majority of your readers will pick up on your signals but my head is usually elsewhere and full of how I can change the things that I think I just might be able to make a difference at.
Anyway, sorry again to not be able to bring you the insightful understanding of your work you might have hoped for.
Cheers
PS I would just add : "I didn't want to be too obvious"
Where I live obvious is good, I want everyone to get my message, cultured or not (but I do respect that this is how you want it to work for you).
As I've not really heard from you before Chuck would I be correct in guessing that my work is perhaps too obvious and direct for you? Or is my subject matter just uninteresting? ;)
chuck | June 4, 2009 - 20:50
Somehow I knew that question was coming :) There are all kinds of writers here so you shouldn't worry about fitting in.
I've read some of your work and I'm not sure what to say because I'm afraid anything I say might seem artsy-fartsy. As for being direct and obvious if that's what you want then I'd say you've succeeded. I long ago gave up trying to make any impression on 'the masses' but others are welcome to try. Shakespeare managed it...but he probably wouldn't get far on Britain's Got Talent.
Jupiter | June 4, 2009 - 20:55
I hear what you are saying Chuck. Thanks for your candid response and good luck with your work.
chuck | June 4, 2009 - 21:23
I suppose too it depends what you mean by 'the masses'. Literature is probably not the best way to get their attention. How many of them even read? Writers like Stephen King, Len Deighton and J.K.Rowling seem to have found a successful formula but I'm not sure they have much affect on basic attitudes. If anything it would seem to be the cultural avant garde who have the most lasting affect.
Jupiter | June 4, 2009 - 21:33
If I could sing Chuck.... ;) Just trying to make the best of what I have. I'm hoping that the voice will come in the next incarnation.
Ewan | June 5, 2009 - 08:44
Your new version is better; I caught broken English on the second read. For once it is better because it is a little less opaque. I like the relatively simple language, too. Your poem can be appreciated without guessing the protagonist(s), but I enjoyed working them out.
That's one of the problems with growing older, the cultural baggage is different and there's a lot more of it. :-)
Reference the covers thread:
The Ballad of Lucy Jordan is a really good one. It's hard to believe, listening to the Convent Schoolgirl's recording, that one time Dr Hook collaborator Shel Silverstein wrote the original.
Ewan
chuck | June 5, 2009 - 13:07
Thanks Ewan. I wasn't sure about adding the extra information, but I wanted to work Brecht/Weill into it somehow without mentioning them by name. Yes she did a good job on the Ballad of Lucy Jordan.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uyhc2PKTpg0
sunshine | June 6, 2009 - 22:18
Definitely this version - thankfully this could be enjoyed without threading all the clues together, 'cos I failed miserably. Margot