My life as a zombie.

Being something of an agnostic all my life I just assumed that when I died that would be the end of it. Here one day, gone the next. I never expected to be stuck in a state of limbo. I was out of it alright but it wasn’t as if I was completely dead. I still kept noticing things. There were other dead people wandering around but none of them were very communicative. Needless to say I felt alienated and detached. I was finding it increasingly difficult to get along with the other zombies. I had a lot of time on my hands. So that’s how I came to join the zombie support group thinking I might find some kindred souls. What a bunch! Some of them are just plain brain-dead and it’s not easy to have a decent conversation. I try to be pleasant and all I get is a lot of blank stares. Waste of time.

Mindless idiots. What annoys me most about them is their complete lack of curiosity. Nobody ever asks me what I did before I was a zombie (I used to be a writer) or how I manage to stay healthy. I’m not going to tell anyone about my stash of formaldehyde. Take Big Roy for instance. Talk about thick. He never says a word. He just sits there in a state of suspended decomposition. Well OK, his mouth’s sewn up but still you’d think he could manage a grunt now and then. Nothing. He stinks of rotting flesh too but nobody wants to say anything.

Fiona, the group leader is thinking of committing suicide again much to the amusement of Gav and Kev our resident teenagers. They died in a car crash but they don’t even seem to realize they’re dead. Very disruptive. I don’t know why they come to the meetings. All they want to do is go round smashing up payphones. Great fun till somebody loses an arm. Then there’s Nigel always going on about zombie rights. Ha. We have no bloody rights that’s obvious. People just wish we’d go away. He’s the type who writes letters to the Guardian. But does he want a bunch of us camping out in his back garden? I don’t think so.

All the rest just sit around looking stoned. I tell them we need to stay focused. Now they want me to be group leader. Me! Mr. Weltshmerz. It’s all so bloody tedious.

Tonight we are going out scaring people again. Basically this involves hanging around on street corners or coming up behind them when they least expect it. Staring at them through windows is another thing we do. Some variations would be nice but nobody has any imagination. Also I’ve noticed that it’s getting harder to scare the young people. Kids just laugh. You have to actually bite a chunk out of them to get any reaction. Some members find this very frustrating and I think that’s what encourages some of them to be more and more disgusting. Some of them are even getting into public necrophilia. They only do it because they’re bored. It’s a vicious circle and frankly I don’t know if it will ever end.

Well I could go on but it would sound like moaning. Yes I know, it could be worse. I could be on a slab getting sliced up while medical students make crude jokes. Cheer up mate and that sort of thing. Ha bloody ha.