I hate Facebook

I met a friend yesterday I hadn't seen in three years, she knew that I'd got married, the name of my new dogs and the colour of my car??? The word stalker raced through my mind, she laughed and said one word “facebook”.

Facebook, were everyone knows everything about nothing.

Going bald "facebook".
Breast enlargements "facebook".
Want Sponsoring but too lazy to ask err "facebook".

Why do people have to invent new method of showing people stuff. I open my email now to be greeted by four hundred messages professing to be herbal remedy viagra, "How do they know these things ?".

I open up my amazon account that already knows what I'm going to buy humph "Mens size lace panties, mmmm!!!!"

But wait whilst I check twitter to see demi moore telling me she’s washing her hair, aww look a photo.

Facebook even tries to get me to submit my thoughts, do they really want to know: my real thoughts?

“You’ve broken up with someone awww, did they regain sight?”
“Why do I care that your eating soup Joe?"
“Really your on holiday, its lucky this isn’t the internet or something you could get burgled?”

But my online persona can only be nice, and I behave for fear of the facebook police branding me a cyber bully and freezing my account. Bullies used to kick and punch, now they type and apparently the younger generation don’t know how to combat this 21st century terror “off switch anyone???”.

Ah bugger, Janine from school has requested me as a friend, she’s a twat. Do I reject the friendship request, confirming to her I think she’s a twat? Or do I accept and get bombarded by pictures of people I’ve barely met nor like. I feel guilty for not liking someone now and submit to having her as a friend.

Then it escalates, I get friend requests all over the place. One person sends me wedding photos, and messages about the good old days, I spoke to her 3 times in school. I now have facebook on my new X123343 Mobile phone, it helps me avoid people I don’t like or barely know that consider me a best buddy, its very good.

I’m getting a bit bored now of facebook, but wait I can play games, wonderful games that never end and seemingly have no purpose. I can be a mobster or create a farm and look after chickens that don’t exist and pet horses that aren’t real. Ahh shucks everyone’s miles ahead of me already, hang on I’ll use my credit card to buy a couple of fake chickens and sign up to a few advertising deals that should sort it out.

Can I mix games? I wonder could I go on a mission to kill peoples farms, blow up horses that never existed. Could I leave a pretend horses head on the farmers pillow?

My dads just messaged me to join his cause to fight Cancer I can accept fighting cancer or reject it. A voice inside my head screams it’s a box how the hell does this help “Reject, Reject” online persona clicks accept.

I would like to see an anti-social networking site “FaceBookOff” become available, why do I have to be nice online I want to insult people (fuckers), thats why I joined these sites. A nice battle of insults would be great: -

“FaceBookOff Thoughts”

“Joe thinks Dave’s a tit.”
“Dave says Joes wife is supple.”
“Joe says sshhh you’ll wake your mum.”

I spend most of my time looking at old school friends photos and excessively ugly children, and lying about how cute they are.

Awww he looks lovely in his little bear costume = he looks like a cross between a towel and a troll.

He’s got his dads looks = Are you sure your photographing the right end?

What weight was she, 8lb 12oz ooohhh good weight = Did you eat lots of cake whilst pregnant, Yes, Really.

But I'm far to civil to let the real me burgeon perhaps when my anti-social networking site is real. I can really let rip.