One white lily
In a jar spattered
With powdery water marks
Sat on a doorstep of slate,
Not welcoming,
But warding off
Like a sentinel
To usher away the final,
Quiet bondage of death.
It dances in the flickering,
Cloud-trickled sunlight,
Brushing in the breeze
Against the stone cottage wall,
That tries to dress the path
In its block-sheet, solid shadow.
I remember trying instead
To move in time with the sun,
To keep dodging and dodging ever since.
The garden was full,
Really, the body of spring,
Sprung up there, grasses
And blooms and love.
I remember the worms I chopped
Into quarters with a spade
Thinking I’d made three more,
The gravel path that I cut my knees on,
The scarlet berries that dangled
From the ivy that clambered
Up the sides of your walls,
That I wondered what would happen
If I ate one,
“Poisonous,” you said,
So I never did.
I was a good girl,
Curious, but obedient then.
I remember the caterpillars
I would carry into the house,
Juicy, hairy ones
That I’d stolen from the birds,
“Get them out,” you said,
“They’ll eat my wallpaper,”
And I did.
I was a good girl then,
Sulky, but obedient.
You placed the jar next to the milk bottles,
And the plant pot
With the big key hidden beneath it
With fragments of soil and a woodlouse
That had taken up residence there,
It was as if it was a gesture to those who might forget
And yet who know inside
That they have not been forgotten at all
And that this cannot just pass them by.
Comments
artisus | February 25, 2008 - 23:56
almost mesmerizing, really good, rich and impressive poem.
Doeslittle | February 25, 2008 - 23:59
Blimey...thanks!
tcook | February 26, 2008 - 14:49
This is by far the most accessible poem of the three you've posted in this batch - and it's almost very good. I think it really needs some work, though. Go through every word and think about its purpose. Is it the right word? Does it fit here? a couple of things that jumped out at me. The repetition of 'warding off' and then 'warden' in the first verse really jarred - and then the two 'it's' in the second verse should be 'its'. Keep at it - this could be very good indeed.
blackjack-davey | February 26, 2008 - 15:16
This is one of the best poems I've read on the site, it describes calmly and lyrically the nuances and textures of a return to a cottage during an afternoon with all the ephemera of weather and memories. I'm not worried by repetition of warden and warding off. How long has the lily survived? Is the woman a relative? A mother, grandmother? I'll be wondering about that intermittently this afternoon.
Doeslittle | February 26, 2008 - 15:44
Thanks for comments, very helpful as this is first draft. I wrote it as a sort of apology to my grandmother for being so neglectful because when I look back she filled fragments of my childhood with lovely moments in her beautiful garden. I will definitely get round to redrafting and think about words. It's very nice to get some tips! Thanks for all nice comments too - it feels quite nice since I'm the only one who generally reads it!
blackjack-davey | February 26, 2008 - 17:03
I knew there was a granny involved! The mild prohibitions about berries and caterpillars mixed with balmy folklore 'they munch wallpaper...' The sense of regret is all mixed up in the filtered light on the overgrown garden.
Doeslittle | February 26, 2008 - 20:41
I have tcooked it now with corrections and changing the odd word. Not sure it's finished yet though.
Foster | February 27, 2008 - 01:02
This got a cherry because I thought it was really well done, and I think you improved it with the changes you made - that's what this site's all about.
But this line, a line that wasn't even in the poem but rather in a comment, was worth the cherry all alone:
"I have tcooked it now..."
Classic, Doeslittle. And Tony, you should feel honored - you're immortalized in the perfect tense!
tcook | February 27, 2008 - 09:55
It deserves that cherry now - and as for new words - I loved one from, I think it was hejira j, the other day in a poem - a new noun, a face-crumple.
Doeslittle | March 1, 2008 - 22:55
I have continued tcooking and took out the line about dodging its cold encroachment. I wasn't ever very happy with it. I'm out of ideas for further improvement though...