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Sleeping with the light on

Posted by Doeslittle on March 11, 2008 - 17:55

In the heaving cradle of the night
I pull at my thick tartan blanket
With my big claws,
Willing the warmth in
Against the draughting cold,
And I fight my eyes
In their
Tiredness
Rolling-shutness
Whilst I bite at my pink, blood full
Lips with my sharpened fangs,
I am lying,
Poised,
Listening
To my own breathing
Or I hope at least
I hope,
I hope that it is mine.
From that shaft of moonshine
I keep my lupine eyes,
Socket aching,
Gaping at the pulsing,
Looming,
Blackstealth
Shadow
Rearing up from behind my old green chair,
And I can hear deliberated creaking, crouching
Outside the bedroom door like footfall
Approaching from the landing,
I gulp down
Swallow
The billowing darkness
Circling, but I can’t sleep at all now
Voluntarily,
I sense this mounting danger as a roomful -
Once I even wondered if it was me
That was the monster here,
But it was just a fleeting thought
Momentarily.

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Comments

LawOfTheOne | March 11, 2008 - 19:05

very well crafted new poem. what is this creature? loved the biting fangs on the pink lips and the big claws pulling up the covers.

Doeslittle | March 11, 2008 - 19:12

The creature is me perhaps...

LawOfTheOne | March 11, 2008 - 19:38

why portray yourself as a monster? just adding that the structure is unusual, some really long lines followed by single words. the long lines pulled me into this piece and the short ones drove home emphasis.

keleph | March 11, 2008 - 19:40

i think the "monster" is your imagination. it certainly is for me sometimes

QueenElf | March 11, 2008 - 23:52

Lovely Imagery.Blackstealth...I like that a lot.

Whiskers | March 12, 2008 - 13:29

Funnily enough this poem reminds me of my cat. ;)
She is quite a paranoid creature too.
I like the contrast between the long and short lines.
IMHO I thought the ending was a little bit strange -- maybe cut off 'momentarily'? Or even change it slightly to "but it was just a thought / fleeting". You could also remove the "even" from "once I even wondered" to enhance the sense of having been overtaken by the fear.

Doeslittle | March 12, 2008 - 18:35

Hmmm...I put the 'even' in to give a sense of feigned absurdity that the monster could be me or my imagination and I thought it worked better rhythmically, but I'm unsure about the whole ending - except that I want it to express those same sentiments. I'll have to work on it. I quite like putting poems up that I've just written for precisely this feedback though. So thanks.
Equally, I'm not sure why I got the cherry for it as I don't think it's particularly good - NOT that I wish to lose my cherry (!!) - pretty things that they are.

Emmett of Transpunk | March 23, 2008 - 17:15

Gosh...this is one of your best pieces in my humble opinion. It makes me think of... psychosis, changeling-children, luna(r)cy...