The sun blossoms as a vast, honey-
Yellow dahlia fanning out its rays,
Undressing us, a siren to life,
And, ‘Its Spring’, you say,
Will burst into fervent romantic
Presentations of buds and blooms
Coned into bright crepe paper.
We look at things from different angles,
You and I: you bask in this new warmth
While I warn of the sudden rains
To come - the things you can’t see,
The plunges of moonbeams
That will smudge bluebells leaving
Them bruised and swollen with dew.
Creeping plants that will suffocate,
And lock them in a fragile embrace,
The heedless breezes that will whip
The stems of your Spring flowers,
The sunlight that will dip their heads,
How it all seems so unrequited:
What is sown under a reaping sky,
How the sturdier plants will push
And bustle the more delicate aside,
How the earth jars beneath them, lightless
In a multitude of sins, all unexposed chaos,
In this, the season of our innocence.
Comments
animan | May 27, 2008 - 17:52
I liked this one. It has a freshness and insouciance that I respond to. I think it probably needs a bit further crafting but I am not sure how exactly, particularly as I have had a few glasses of chablis - pissed moi? But I would like to ponder it a little and see if I come up with anything suggestible (as in 'able to be suggested'!). Anyway, things seem to be looking up , at least since/from the loneliness poem - that was awesomely heartrending.
Doeslittle | May 27, 2008 - 22:51
Well, when the chablis has worn off feel free to pop back with suggestions. What's looking up? I made this up. My last bunch of flowers was for looking after my neighbours cats which is one step away from having my own brood of cats, living alone and smelling vaguely like a litter tray. A day which is looming. ;) I take it this is what you're referring to - sometimes I have to work from memory or imagination when memory is lacking! :)
sunshine | May 29, 2008 - 12:11
Now I like this because unlike me you've followed a path which wasn't apparent from the phrase presented - and this of course engages and sustains interest. Both essential criteria.
animan | June 11, 2008 - 09:22
Hi Doeslittle, I have come back to this one a number of times and only now am sensing something, thus: I feel the last verse is only further exemplifications of the point made in the earlier verse that the 'I' is of the pessimistic variety, so, though the images are lovely and well-crafted, the point is like a drumbeat rather than a pursuance of a flow. Maybe the thing to do is to end at the end of the second verse with that very telling line about bruisedness and swollenness. A bit drastic? Maybe.
Also, some of the punctuation leaves me uncertain as to how to read the poem. E.g. should this bit be read like this, where the hyphens indicate an interjection so that the sun readily stays as the subject of 'will burst':
Undressing us, a siren to life,
And - ‘Its Spring’, you say -
Will burst into fervent romantic
Sorry if I am being a bit sombre in the above. - Don't mean to be.