What She Thinks - An Addict's Inner Struggle

"Knowing trees, I understand the meaning of patience. Knowing grass, I can appreciate persistence." - Hal Borland

"Permanence, perseverance and persistence in spite of all obstacle s, discouragement s, and impossibilities: It is this, that in all things distinguishes the strong soul from the weak." - Thomas Carlyle

I may be down on the outside, but I'm standing up on the inside.

Up all night. I'm tired but can't sleep. I ache with fear, anxiety, wanting so badly to do good, to be a better person. Seeing the sunrise through my tears, sobs coming deep from my soul. I am ashamed at what I did to get high. My will is held captive to this lifestyle that I despise, and yet, will seek at every opportunity. Shame, it burns in my soul, every time I fail. I overheard friends comments, “she is so cool except when she gets high.” Thieves gather around my life, seeing my weakness, they intend to rob me of what little possessions I have, of my own body. Here is my shame, I know better, I can do better, yet I fall prey to my craving and the traps they lay for me. I pray for a way out, morning after morning, failure after failure, long tortuous night after long tortuous night. I no longer enjoy getting wasted, it leaves me wanting, thirsty for more, there is never enough. I want to be satisfied. So many people to blame, I even blame God for the cruel things that have happened to me, time and time again. Funny how I blame and cuss the same God I call on for help when I'm scared out of my mind, a knife at the throat of my life. Deep inside, I know that I can get out of this mess. I will be a success. Someone will love me, not just use me. I will stop this madness. My shame will be forgotten, my tired soul will sleep without fear. I will keep trying and never stop getting back on my feet.

No matter what others see, though I'm down on the outside, inside I'm standing up.

first written in opinionsofeye.com (http://www.opinionsofeye.com/2011/12/what-she-thinks.html)