I reached out
Waiting for my hand
To be slapped away
As it had been before
Even though mine was alone
Despite being surrounded
By silent stronger types
You grabbed at me
Like a drowning person
In a last ditch effort
To pull yourself free
Of a single life despised
In this tumultuous sea
This dangerous ocean
The beach beckoned
So we swam together
Unaided by emotional tides
Paddling through years
Our strokes strong
And our breathing
In and out, in time
We're the lucky ones
No longer worrying ourselves
With romantic notions
Of being saved
As we've already
Negotiated heart breakers
To reach the shore
So side by side
We lie on a shared towel
Our surfing days over
But for poetic waxing
While watching waves
Toss so many others
Onto hard unrequited sands
Comments
Doeslittle | June 25, 2008 - 08:45
This is really good. I particularly like the last stanza. Love 'unrequited sands'. I wonder whether stanzas 2 and 3 are a little laboured in the metaphor - they seem a bit cliched to me - the rest is much more subtle.
Dynamaso | June 25, 2008 - 10:29
Doeslittle, thanks for your comments. This is a first draft and I appreciate feedback such as yours. Sometimes subtlety can be elusive for me.
jennifer | June 25, 2008 - 11:30
Love this image and wordplay:
'As we've already
Negotiated heart breakers
To reach the shore'
Great poem! Very evocative..
.
sabital | June 25, 2008 - 15:59
Hi Dynamaso, I'm not one for poetry and I'm probably miles out on this one... but is this about a guy and his surf board?
Dynamaso | June 25, 2008 - 23:12
Jen, you've done it again. The '...breakers' line is my favourite from the whole piece.
Sabital, not even close, I'm sorry. It is basically about finding true love in the 'tumultuous sea' of life.
tcook | June 26, 2008 - 10:57
I think you mean strokes, not stokes! Good poem though
Dynamaso | June 27, 2008 - 00:13
Tony, indeed I did. Thanks for pointing it out. I'm going to have to sack my editor. Thanks for the cherries too.
shoebox | June 27, 2008 - 14:29
You're amazingly talented. "waxing while watching waves" and other parts are of this work are tops. More good luck in the future!
Dynamaso | June 28, 2008 - 02:37
Shoebox, thanks so much for the compliment and for commenting. I am also lucky to have such wonderfully talented and inspirational writers here offering their advice and comments.