By day I sit in a stagnant pool of workers
While management sharks circle and dive
Through currents of meaningless business
We sit in the scum at the bottom
Waiting for morsels to float down
But at night I tap into the stream
The music of my soul leads me up and beyond
I finally understand what power means
And as I render another tune
It all starts to make sense
By day I stare out the sliver of window
At great expanses of nothing
Grey strips of boredom
Meaningless, barren shells of mundanity
I wonder if there is going to be anything out there for me
But at night words run from my fingers fearlessly
Quicker than I can think them
And I forget about who I’m supposed to be following
And concentrate on distilling
The essence of who I am
Comments
SteveM | June 16, 2008 - 09:50
I must admit I'm Not too much into poetry (except Shakespeare), but I really do like this one.
It hits the spot ! I'm staring at 'barren shells of mundanity' at this very moment.
Dynamaso | June 16, 2008 - 10:46
Wow, Steve, thanks very much. I spend most of my day staring out at 'barren shells', so I really wrote this from the heart. I'm glad you were able to identify with it. :)
sunshine | June 16, 2008 - 15:49
really effective opening analogy, I particualrly like the first 2 - or 3 - stanzas. They are a bit sharper than the later ones in my view, have a stronger rhythm. Margot
Dynamaso | June 17, 2008 - 00:41
Margot, thanks again for reading. I'm thinking this could well do with a rewrite. I guess it is part of the problem of trying to build on initial inspiration; the more one forces it, the more it tends towards being pedestrian.
Thanks again for your comments. These are much appreciated.
jennifer | June 17, 2008 - 10:39
Yes!
'And concentrate on distilling
The essence of who I am.'
And here I confess to feeling smug since I have the most amazing view from my window at work....
tcook | June 17, 2008 - 12:30
I agree with the earlier commentators - it starts really strongly but falls away as the analogy is continued. It needs to either go somewhere or just be shorter!
Doeslittle | June 17, 2008 - 23:41
Oh the sharks...I think I agree that it could be shortened a bit, but I liked it very much.
Be smug indeed Jennifer...I have a window in my office which doesn't open and overlooks a dining hall.
Dynamaso | June 18, 2008 - 00:12
Jen, be as smug as you like. Of course, this then give me the right to be envious. Pleased you liked the line too.
Tony, thanks very much for the cherry, mate. I intend editing this today sometime. Thanks very much for your considered advice.
Doeslittle, thanks to you as well.
tcook | June 19, 2008 - 07:01
Yes - tighter and more controlled. I like it.
Dynamaso | June 19, 2008 - 07:45
Thanks Tony.
jennifer | June 20, 2008 - 09:19
Yes! Hurrah!
Dynamaso | June 21, 2008 - 03:44
Thanks Jen. I'm going to see if I can get this one published.
jennifer | June 28, 2008 - 12:13
Where?
Dynamaso | June 30, 2008 - 07:05
There is a great Aussie mag called Wet Ink and I'm going to start there. I'm not sure where else yet, but I have to start somewhere.
You don't have any suggestions, do you?