See me coming with my hollow grin,
the hidden feeling stretching it thin.
I know well what you have done.
Flint in my heart at your success,
from the warmest kiss you'd never guess:
in your victory I feel my loss.
The lightest banter hides the darkest heart,
the greatest praise a dismissal of art.
I use flattery and cover hurt.
My soul should surely attempt to fill
with joy for you, although it never will.
I still know that you've done well.
Comments
jennifer | February 1, 2009 - 09:50
Wow, Ewan, I think this might be one of your best.
I think this:
'in your victory I feel my loss.'
is my favourite line, although there are so many smashers, it's hard to highlight one above the rest!
Do you have green eyes, by any chance?
J x
artisus | February 1, 2009 - 12:13
There are so many things here, but I don't like analyzing a poem based on far-fetched assumptions. This is a poem that can (perhaps) be analyzed safely by those who know you very well and I doubt they would do it publicly. If I were you, I'd make it more impersonal, the "miscellaneous" story won't be affected. I now hate clicking on the post this comment button. But many comments (not mine) don't ever make it, so what the heck.. born to be wild.
tamara (not verified) | February 1, 2009 - 13:05
It is 'word for word' wise and perfect and the rhythm and rhyming is beautiful.
chuck | February 1, 2009 - 13:44
It's absolutely wonderful ewan. (You clever bastard)
Jasper_Milvain | February 1, 2009 - 15:09
Tight, focussed and pretty blinking astounding. I love the half-rhymes at the end of stanza...
Christ, all this flattery is killing me.
Loved it.
JM
Ewan | February 1, 2009 - 15:22
Ha, Jen, no they're not green, but a cold,cold blue.
jennifer | February 1, 2009 - 17:36
Doubly cold? Have you been staring at the ice cubes in your Gin and Tonic too long, perhaps?!!
J x
threeleafshamrock | February 1, 2009 - 22:41
Nice one, 'Old Blue Eyes'! You should be cherry picking shortly, I'd imagine. ;)
Chris
Nathan Bednarek | February 2, 2009 - 12:53
I think I can't add much to the above. This is a wonderfully crafted poem and I really enjoyed reading it. Well done.
Nathan.