Kiss me harder,
as Horatio might have said
I'd like my cherry-lips
bruised, as one reminder
of what we did.
Love me, tender:
love me, do; words from Elvis
and Johnny should help me
to convince you that
I do mean it.
Love me, two times -
the least of Jim's demands.
Maybe you're confused
by these conflicting
requests from me?
So kiss me and
smile for me: though there's no
jet plane waiting, you'll
still hold me like you'll
never let me go.
Comments
whiskey | July 7, 2009 - 10:39
Very clever!
My only teeny crit is the use of commas in love me, tender/love me, do/love me, two times. Maybe you've used them for a reason (?), but they interrupted the flow for me.
the least of Jim's demands made me laugh. So true!
Ewan | July 7, 2009 - 10:47
Yes, they've been in and out a few times over twenty minutes, those commas. I did want the pause they provide and thereby to subvert the original lines a little. Probably does interrupt the flow, though.
DraxB | July 7, 2009 - 10:53
not sure about the commas, not my strong point. but enjoyed the whit in this piece
whiskey | July 7, 2009 - 11:01
Interestingly, the commas work when I read the poem aloud. The flow's only really interrupted during silent reading. Or maybe it's just me!
threeleafshamrock | July 7, 2009 - 11:05
Brilliant! Love this; Your the one! I was having one more cup of coffee and this just took me on a stairway to heaven. Like a slow train back to the light. Great stuff, very, very clever; enjoyed lots!
Chris ;)
sunshine | July 7, 2009 - 11:14
I agree with whiskey and would keep the commas in. Enjoyed the humour and retrospection. Margot
Jupiter | July 7, 2009 - 12:19
Hi Ewan.
You seem to be a master of ambiguous writing. :-)
I recall hearing something very much like the ending of your last verse in a play recently
"you'll still hold me like you'll never let me go."
It was said by a guy just as he stuck a knife into his lover who then collapsed - arms wrapped round him - just as he had said.
Seeing that line and remembering the play made me look back at the poem and I suddenly saw it in a whole new light.
Aside from the musical interpretation which others have commented on, given a new title, it could easily be seen as something much more sinister.
Is this just coincidence or do you enjoy building clever ambiguity into your pieces and should we all keep an eye out for it? :-)
Ewan | July 7, 2009 - 14:29
maybe... LOL
sarah wilson | July 7, 2009 - 14:34
very clever and enjoyable:)
sarah
Jupiter | July 7, 2009 - 14:53
Ha! Ha! Good answer Ewan ;-)
Well I've got to hand it to you if this was crafted purposefully, it's fantastic!
A clear death threat written as a love poem and so far only spotted by one. I'm starting to believe your 'spy' bio. ;-) lol
Even with my limited experience, I recognise this as excellent work.:-)
Although, why? why here? and why now? do spring to mind! Or are you pulling my leg? ;-)
No wonder your linguistic services were of value in the past.
threeleafshamrock | July 7, 2009 - 14:55
LOL
Cavalcaderl | July 10, 2009 - 05:12
new Cavalcaderl julie well grafted to-gether I tried and said could do one on songs and titles like I tried on line alphabet A B C a ETC; IS; re; "Mooon-light and Roses""Down By The Riverside" " In A Yellow Submarine" "There's A Little Green Frog " doing what he ought a. Jupiter's asked me make one up for him I can only think of planet is it Jupiter or Moon any ideas challenge?
julie cavalcaderl