Let's Start Again

Hi fatboy,

you know, your poems always make me think, that is
good. I read this a couple of times, each time
seeing something new. Also I love the last couple
of lines:- two people who were once in love,
travelling in time. Beautiful.

Yes you've done it again with this one fb.

Jenny.

'and here above the rim I watch her serene
glide through awkwardness,
her Monaco bronzing,
the way her eyes swallow rooms - oceans.'

...

'I expect the scrape of chair,
the balled napkin stretching like a small universe,
her swimmer's shoulders
and glorious feral scent diminishing.

At the door she turns both ways -
then she walks.'

- surpassed yourself again, FB - these two are my favourite bits, but all, as ever, is visually stunning and enchanting... loved it :)

Rachel xx

Hi Jenny, Great to hear from you, I'm glad you liked this one, i feel a bit creaky with the poems at the minute - all a bit of a struggle. Thanks as always for your encouraging words. :-)

Hi Rachel, many thanks, I'm not sure about this one as I've not put pen to paper for a month but two votes of confidence makes me feel better about it - I might go for the comp after all, mind you five pounds buys a fair amount of beer...

I've changed a line in the bit you picked out from small to adolescent universe, what do you reckon?

ATB Fatboy :-)

This line is genius:

'and table three have just undressed
another bottle of red'

so much in this, really enjoyed unravelling it - it's not so much what's said, as what's cleverly left unsaid!

J x

This reminds me of Christopher Reid’s lyrical poem 'The Song of Lunch,' not that I can remember much about it. Some superb imagery without being smaltzy

Hi Jennifer, Thank you for such a lovely comment, I rarely seem to write straightforward words and i'm still surprised and very grateful when people take the time to do what you have - I think at times I stray too far, but it is what it is - really pleased you enjoyed this and thank you for your kind feedback. :-)

I love that poem - The first four words should be in italics celticman (i've forgotten the link insert told me about a while back) because I am referring to it, the character in the poem is thinking of Reid's poem because it's about a doomed lunch with an ex (I was thinking about it cos i'd stolen the premise and because It's so feckin good). Glad you liked it, and cheers for reading. :-)

"the balled napkin stretching like an adolescent universe"
priceless Fatboy. What a smooth poem. Great go for the comp. Good luck.

;)Pia

As Jenny says - your poems always make me think also. In fact I really have to concentrate (a good thing for me) and read and re-read. So much that can be missed first time.

I loved

`At the door she turns both ways -
then she walks.'

those lines on their own set the scene beautifully for the the last stanza which makes for a great ending.

I will remember this poem.

Thank you Pia, I changed that one at the last minute and it seems to work a bit better now - I found it hard with the prompt to get away from the doomed relationship and then eventually thought, just go with it and see what happens. Really pleased you liked this and thanks as always for your feedback. :-) And good luck as well ATB Fatboy.

Thank you seashore, I struggle normally with knowing if something of my own is o.k. but when I haven't written or read anything for an age it's even worse - I think this is common among abc talers, but is worse with poetry as it's harder to tell than with a piece of prose. Are you going for this comp - sure you could come up with a blinder. :-)

I wish!!! So the answer to that is no. No blinders in the pipeline sadly though I did scribble a very short very simple piece (bit like `He says She says') but nowhere near good enough to post never mind enter for comp. Have been having a go at prose - even less confident about that but trying to stretch myself.

Don't know about you, fb, but I just can't write to order - it only works when I'm inspired, i.e. really feeling it! Now you are so consistently good I bet a lot of people wouldn't know you that you have confidence problems too. I wonder if anyone on here doesn't?

It's all been said, fb. Fantastic stuff;-)

Tina

I liked this a lot. The discomfort and uncertainty come across very well. And, as others have said, a great ending. Good luck with the competition.
Rob

I find writing to order impossible usually, I avoid the IP's as a rule because unless it is very open, I find it impossible. With this I tried to pretend it wasn't a prompt and it seemed to work. It feels better to know you're not alone about the confidence thing. ATB Fatboy. :-)

If I had to choose a favourite bit it would be the second and third verses but for me, the whole poem is rich in slick imagery, I know what you mean about struggling to write, this one must have given your poetry muscle a good workout though!! Good luck with the competition. :}

Cheers Tina. :-)

Many thanks Rob, I'm pleased this seems to have worked - the ending was a happy accident after a bit of tinkering went wrong. ATB Fatboy :-)

THanks shoe and good luck to you too - I think this felt harder because i've stopped reading at the minute and that seems to have had an effect. ATB fb :-)

Those last lines are amazing, the whole poem really gripping and full of strong imagery. Good luck with the competition.

Beeme xx

Haven't read the comp page but I like the optimism here. Good luck!

This gave me goosebumps FB. It is amaazing and the last verse is outstanding. Good luck!

Hi Beeme,ashb and OTT sorry for delay in responding. Thanks for the best wishes with comp and more than kind words about the poem - I really do appreciate it. :-)

gosh - what a lot of comments! This gave me goosebumps too Fatboy - it's fantastic and I echo all that's been said.

if you want to know how to do italics again, just put "italics" into the search box above. it's what I do each time, since I can never remember either!

fb74.
I'm envious, this is a great entry.
I join in with the others in congratulations.
Regards

I think the 'adolescent universe' works brilliantly, fatboy - sorry for the delay. Nice to come back here though for another read, a bit confused as to why there's no cherry? Surely, eds? :)

Glad you put this in for the comp and looking forward to your next piece, FB - your loyal readers won't be going anywhere while you're marking... good luck! ;)

Rachel xx

Hi Insert, yes I feel pretty humbled that people take the time to read and decipher what comes out of my head - also humbled by your lovely comment - ta much so and for reminder of italics. ATB Fatboy. :-)

Hi scozen, thank you and good luck to you also, I haven't read any of the stories in the comp yet and am looking forward to yours and the others. Really appreciate your comment. :-)

Hi Rahcel thanks for coming back and glad you like that - thank you for the vote of confidence and the promise you won't forget me when I post nothing for months on end...fatboy who? I'll still be reading - hope to see an entry from you before long (but not in the poetry category :-)) ATB :-)

Rachel I don't think any of the competition entries are allowed to have cherries - it's a rule!

Sorry, insert, my mistake - knew there had to be a reason! I've been trying, FB, but keep drawing a blank - think if I do, it'll be a prose entry at this rate because nothing's coming in the poetry department... like you need to be worried about me, give over! Loving the stir of excitement the comp has brought to the place, too, aren't you? I'll probably just leave it right up to the last minute and then panic and throw anything I can up, knowing me ;)

No chance of any of us forgetting you any time soon, don't you worry - just don't leave it too long!

:)
Rachel xx

New fatboy74
Hi! Just read your Let's start again.
Great I feel just like you, and had period
off, busy. I like fist stanza and word's
perpendicular spoons. The song of lunch
weighs heavy derails, like a festering tar
on bicycle wheels. And the 3rd from last stanza.
The balled napkin, stretching out like an adolescent
universe brill; good luck with the entry.
julie xx

Hi Julie, thanks so much for reading and commenting and for your good wishes - much appreciated. :-)

Thanks Rachel. :-)

Just one word fb: Superb!

Luigi you are a gent - many thanks for the kind words. I'm really missing this place and can't wait to get back. Atb :-)

Wonderful fatboy- good luck with the competition! (sorry this is so late- just getting round to reading comp pieces today) xx

Hey Sundays thank you, you're more than kind and don't worry, I have only read a few so far. Cheers :-)

Really lovely poem fatboy! And i also just wanted to thank you for your help recently :) much appreciated, always nice to get some constructive criticism! Afraid I can't offer you any on this though...Fantastic!

Thank you, that's very kind, It's always tricky not knowing if you will offend people with saying things and i'm really glad if it was in any way helpful - I know with my own writing (if I ever do any again) I really appreciate when someone says this or that doesn't work and I go away and think, yes you're right or bollocks it does - but it's all helpful because sometimes it's hard to see your own stuff. I'll keep reading and if I can help with any constructive crit I will - and will never be offended if you say 'no that's bollocks'. ATB Fatboy:-)

Many thanks for cherries Tony. :-)

Congratulations on the cherries FB, well deserved.

Jenny.

Thanks Jenny - you are the first and last post on this poem which is great in my book, so if I ever get published (is that a pig jetting past the window?) I'll dedicate it to you. All the best :-)