"Morning"

Drops of dew came running down the land
Anxious herds slowly lit the dark countryside
Cracks of grey, chipping off of the orange sand
While the slow hint of light, cast the shrouds aside

Melancholy, Cold were the sunlight's rays
Glancing without the touch of merely innocence
Dehydrated and neglected were written waterways
Reflecting the azure, the sea of fluorescence

White coats trodded on, trodded on the window lattice
Lift gentle girdle grass on green canvas lining, then
Fresh winter clouds marked the breaking dawn of Malice
Greeting the rising sun, once dead now born again

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Comments

kheldar | March 5, 2010 - 11:15

Hi there,

I really like the first two stanza's but, and I'd hate to upset you, but the last one really lets it down. Might I suggest the something like:

White coats trodded on, trodded on the window lattice
Lift gentle girdle grass on green canvas lining, then
Fresh winter clouds marked the breaking dawn of Malice
Greeting the rising sun, once dead now born again.

Please feel free to tell me where to go, I have broad shoulders. Hope you don't mind my comments,

David :--)

francisraymonda... | August 9, 2011 - 15:31

Thanks for the editing comments David, I shall make the changes swiftly >:D