(Before you read this, please bear in mind I'm only 15).
The Journey of Obatorf
PROLOGUE
Edinburgh, December 1989
Frank Swanset lay amongst the bedcovers, tossing and turning underneath the blankets. His eyes flickered open as he woke from a dream. He could hear the wind howling from outside. Frank lifted his head up from the sweat-covered pillow and noticed the raindrops trickling on the window pane. He was starting to recover from his semi-conscious state. It was the middle of the night and Frank lay in his bed, trying his hardest to get back to sleep. He stroked his brown, curly moustache in perfection, before taking a long yawn. Frank hated the nights. He found them silent. Too silent.
He lay on his back staring at the ceiling. The shadows crept across the ceiling, moving ever so slowly, as if a dark angel was passing through his bedroom. Feeling tired of just lying in the same position, Frank hauled himself out of bed and switched on the light. He drew a deep breath before standing up.
Frank hated sleeping by himself, he only felt relaxed if his wife Lilian was tucked up beside him. But she was away at a business meeting and couldn't make it home in time. Recently, her trips had become more frequent.
Frank loved Lilian dearly, he couldn't imagine life without her. Recently she had been away from home a lot, apparently working on night-shifts. He'd been growing slightly suspicious of Lilian being away from home so much, but even this didn't stop her being the love of his life.
Frank turned to his left and stared at the picture of Lilian perched on his bed side table. He admired her elegant smile and stunning blonde hait, which grew way past her shoulders. Her teeth in the photo were sparkling white and her emerald green eyes glistened like jewels. The picture made his heart melt.
But now Frank had something very special to be celebrating. Recently Lilian had made a surprising announcement - she was pregnant with his child. Frank was over the moon with this news. The day Lilian revealed to him he was to become a dad was the best day of his life. Frank beamed gracefully just thinking about it. Lilian didn't know the gender of the child yet, but he hoped deeply the child would be a boy. He'd always longed for a son.
He'd be able to teach him how to play football and tennis, which were his most favourite sports. He would be able to spoile him rotten and become the most wonderful father. At this point, Frank couldn't wait for Lilian to return.
All of a sudden, something rather strange and mysterious occured. As Frank toddled around the bedroom excitedly, he began to hear a chilling, eerie noise. It sounded like footsteps coming from downstairs. Frank's spine chiled.
The footsteps seemed to be getting louder and louder, echoing right the way through the empty house. Frank gulped and quivered nervously.
"H...Hello?" he called.
He thought it might be a burglar, but this made him feel even more scared. He grabbed his dressing gown and put it on quickly. He made the decision to go and investigate.
Frank slowly started to tread across the wooden floorboards, sweat pouring down each side of his face. When he approached the bedroom door, he turned the rusty cast iron handle. The door creaked wide open. His heart thudded like a bass drum the moment he saw the landing. He'd never in his life seen it so drab and dismal. The floorboards creaked as he tiptoed across it.
The beech tree from outside swayed in the freezing Winter breeze. It was all so silent and gloomy - Frank felt like he wasn't at home. He could hear swift movement coming from downstairs. Frank knew there was someone down there.
Without wanting to hesitate, Frank turned a corner and began to tiptoe carefully down a long flight of stairs. He really wanted to stop walking and go back to bed, but he couldn't bring himself to do so, like he'd been hypnotised. As Frank walked down the stairs the darkness started to fall, causing shadows to be cast all over the walls. He kept telling himself everything was going to be okay, but all of a sudden there came a loud havey thud, which echoed from the living room. It sounded like a dangerous metallic noise. Frank's teeth chattered. he was too disturbed to even clear his throat.
Finally, he recahed the bottom of the stairs and tiptoed towards the living room door. His heart pounded, and he started to get that horible feeling when butterflies flutter around in your stomach.
Frank stood by the living room door, trying not to make a trace of sound. He drew a deep breath before swinging the door wide open. He stepped in - before having the shock of his life. Standing there in the centre of the room was a very familiar person. He seemed quite satisfied to see Frank and a smirk emerged into his pale face. Frank on the other hand was not pleased to see him at all.
"You?", he whispered anxiously.
The man nodded.
"Hello, Frank", he said.
"What are you doing here?", Frank asked, panic-stricken. "I mean, how did you get in?"
The person let out a piercing laugh. Frank was full of panic and didn't have a clue what to do. The dark figure stepped closer towards him.
"Bet you didn't expect to see me here, did you?", he asked Frank. "I think we need to settle our differences a little, don't you?"
Frank couldn't believe this was happening.
"Settle our differences?" he repeated. "What do you mean? It's two o'clock in the morning. What the devil are you doing here?"
The person put both hands into his pockets and took out a pistol. He pointed the gun in Frank's direction. Frank's heart continued to beat violently. He pinched himself to check he wasn't dreaming, but found that he was very much in reality.
"P...please", he stuttered. "Drop the gun! We can talk. Whatever it is, we can sort this out."
"Maybe I'd better explain", said the man.
He didn't pay any attention to Frank's pleas and strolled closer towards him, brandishing the pistol in two hands.
"There happen to be a few things I believe you have teh right to know about, Frank Swanset", he whispered. "If you want to know the truth, Lilian doesn't really love you."
Frank stared and the man in a state of shock.
"Lilian doesn't love me?", he cried. "What do you mean? Of course she does. We're married. We're having a baby together."
"I'm aware of that!", snapped the person. "But a child does not make a blind bit of difference. Lilian doesn't love you, and you have no choice but to face the fact. It's me who she wants."
Frank felt the anger building up inside him.
"You ...you what?", he mouthed, but that was all he could manage to say.
"We're in love, Frank", the man said proudly. "She's finished with you. She's told me so herself. And that poor child inside her will have no choice but to grow up without knowing who its real father is."
Frank felt tears pouring out of his bloodshot eyes. He couldn't decide whether to believe this man or not.
"You're a filthy liar!", he cried. "I always thought you were nothing but trouble, right from the very beginning!"
The man snarled...
"Wrong answer."
He quickly raised his pistol right in the direction of Frank's head and pulled the trigger. Frank never heard the shot that killed him. he immediately collapsed to the floor, stone dead, his life ebbing away into the carpet.
For a moment, the person seemed quite shocked by what he'd just done, but a minute or two later he slowly walked towards Frank's corpse. He stepped over it casually and placed the gun back into his pocket. he couldn't take his eyes off Frank's motionless body.
Tha man drew a deep breath and left the living room, switching the light off on his way out. Frank's corpse was left sprawled across the floor, dead to the bone.
(IF YOU WANT TO FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENS NEXT, I WILL POST CHAPTER ONE TOMORROW).

Comments
FrankGrange | May 18, 2009 - 17:16
Feel free to comment! I NEED OPINIONS!!!!
lol
jennifer | May 18, 2009 - 21:02
You do what I am most guilty of - 'telling' rather than 'showing'. Lines such as:
'It was the middle of the night and Frank lay in his bed, trying his hardest to get back to sleep.' are unnecessary - the reader gets all this from the rest of the writing around it - don't state the obvious and don't repeat things.
This passage does the same:
'But she was away at a business meeting and couldn't make it home in time. Recently, her trips had become more frequent.
Frank loved Lilian dearly, she was simply his one true love. He couldn't imagine life without her. Recently she had been away from home a lot, apparently working on night-shifts. This meant she'd have to stay out the entire night. Frank had been growing slightly suspicious of Lilian being away from home so much, but even this didn't stop her being the love of his life.'
However, some excellent writing going on here - action packed! Really liked this line and image:
'The shadows crept across the ceiling, moving ever so slowly, as if a dark angel was passing through his bedroom. '
A few tips - because the site doesn't really show paragraphs, I tend to put a line between each when I paste it into the box and also between speech utterances. You might also make use of an online dictionary to check the spellings you're not quite sure of (I also do this a lot) - such as 'burglar',
Hope this is helpful! Keep writing!
J x
Sikander | May 19, 2009 - 00:43
Hi Chris
I agree with everything Jennifer says. You do need to watch some of your verb choices, also watch for the deadly 'over-write' (I do it ALL the time).
You've got a brilliant imagination and a great sense of story. I look forward to what comes next!
Sx
SundaysChild | May 19, 2009 - 01:59
Heya Chris,
Jennifer has given some great advice here.
You certainly have a vivid imagination, and your plot is interesting. Just be careful not to repeat things like Jennifer said. I thought you said 'Frank' a little too often; you can just say 'He' instead sometimes as the reader knows who you mean- maybe just space the 'Franks' out a little more at the beginning.
Well done and keep it up :)
AdamDeath | May 19, 2009 - 05:38
Hi Chris,
I agree with all of the above - it's good advice and a bit of editing / rewriting at some point will help greatly.That said I enjoyed it very much. What's most impressive is the sense of 'plot.' You seem to know where you're going and are building towards something, which in turn makes me want to read on. I'm looking forward to more. Thanks - keep going!
FrankGrange | May 19, 2009 - 05:40
Hey Jennifer,
I've taken everything you've said into account to help me improve this chapter. And by reading it through, I can see what you mean. 'Telling rather than showing' is quite a deadly crime in writing! It seems a lot of writers tend to do it.
I've made a couple of changes to this prologue. I've altered those lines you thought weren't needed and I've left a gap between every paragraph.
But thank you anyway for being able to reading this. Thanks also to Sikander and SundaysChild who left comments. I've also taken their advice too and made a few alterations.
When I get home from school, I will post Chapter One on this website. Hope you can read that too. It's VERY different to the prologue - LOTS of new characters and much more speech.
Many thanks,
Chris
FrankGrange | May 19, 2009 - 05:48
Hi Adam,
I've made the alterations Jennifer suggested, and you're right - it is good advice.
I'm really chuffed you like the sense of plot. I defnetely knew where I was taking the story when I first sat down and wrote this prologue in longhand.
And even though the prologue went off with a bang, there's quite a lot of gripping stuff still ahead. Keep on reading - Chapter 1 will be up this evening at around 5 PM. Like I said to Jennifer, it's VERY different to its prologue. Lots of new characters. But I'd better not say too much, I'll leave you to read that this evening!
I'll keep you notified every time a new chapter is posted.
Dynamaso | May 19, 2009 - 07:21
Agree with all previous advice. Self-editing is the bane of my life (as it is with most writers) but if you take the time to ensure words are spelt correctly, you will raise the reader's enjoyment levels exponentially. Having said this, I enjoyed this very much and am looking forward to see where you're going with it.