The first time I met God He was Marilyn Monroe, so naturally I didn’t recognise Him. I mean, I recognised Marilyn, who wouldn’t, but I didn’t realise that She was He, so to speak. My first thought was that Marilyn was His secretary and I looked around for an elderly bearded man or the door to His office. When I finally concluded that Marilyn must be God Herself I was more than a little surprised. Most people suspected Elvis.
“Please sit down,” cooed Marilyn.
I sat. I wasn’t feeling at all comfortable about this interview. I didn’t fancy discussing metaphysics, to say nothing of the intimate and private details of my life, with somebody who might say ‘poo poopy-doo’ at any moment.
She must have sensed my unease - She spun around in her chair and when it turned to face me again She was Lady Di. “Is that any better?” She piped. “And you can stop capitalising my pronoun, by the way, we’re quite informal here in Heaven-on-Sea.”
I wondered how she knew, but she was God after all. I didn’t feel particularly good about discussing anything other than gossip, babies and bunnies with Lady Di, so once again the chair spun and I was now looking at a Santa Claus impersonator. “Will this do?” he inquired. “It’s the best so far,” I conceded.
“Do you mind if I ask you – are you a man or a woman?”
“I’m neither,” he smiled. “I’m God. But would you please call me Robert? I’ve always liked that name. Very underrated.”
“But most people think you’re a man - er - Robert.”
“I know. I’ve never understood that. What would a unique being do with genitals? Do they think I like to masturbate?”
I was now feeling a little awkward about discussing masturbation with Santa Claus, but I decided not to be picky. “I think they mean it metaphorically, Robert.”
“I see. They mean I’m good at reading maps but hopeless at doing the ironing?”
I had never been the religious type and I felt a little put out at having to answer for them, but I suppose I was implicated too. I’d always believed that the God who didn’t exist was male.
“Well?”
“Well what, Robert?”
“Well what would you like to talk about?”
“Surely that’s up to you, isn’t it”
Robert conjured up a pair of half-moon spectacles, put them on and peered at me over them. “You’re forgetting it’s God you’re talking to. I know very well that you’re just scribbling this down as a break from another story you’re writing. I know you have no intention of discussing anything personal. You don’t even know how this is going to end, do you? So what do you want to talk about? There must be something you’d like to know.”
I was impressed. Robert truly was omniscient and omnipresent. Probably transcendent and immanent to boot. He bowed his head slightly in acknowledgement of the thought.
I considered for a moment. Not much point in asking if there’s an afterlife when here I am in it. Not much point in discussing proofs of the existence of Robert when here he is existing.
“On the contrary,” said Robert, reading my thoughts. “The fact that I exist doesn’t imply that any of the proofs were sound.”
“I know, but the whole point of the proofs was to discuss them. All I have to do is ask you what you think of Anselm’s ontological proofs, for example, and you’d tell me the right answer. That’s no fun.”
Robert waited patiently. I racked my brains.
“Why did you never answer my prayers?” I said at last.
“Well, for one thing,” he sorted through some papers on the desk in front of him, picked one out and peered at it, “do you recognise any of these? Godshit, Godfuck, Goddy-bastard. Sound familiar?”
I blushed. “Sorry Robert. I didn’t think anyone was listening.”
“If I’d been a Robert of any of the major religions, that would have cooked your spatchcock good and proper. But I am the real Robert, and quite frankly I don’t blame you. If you believe in a religion, or even disbelieve one, that promises you answers to your prayers, you’d be understandably annoyed if you prayed and got nothing.”
“So if it wasn’t my lack of respect, then what?”
“Oh, it was nothing personal. I don’t answer any prayers. For one thing, requests granted to one person usually involve denying somebody else. How should I choose who gets the goodies and who doesn’t? Even for prayers that apparently benefit one without denying another, how could I cure one person’s cancer while letting others die? I must either eliminate cancer altogether or let things take their course. But there’s a more fundamental reason than either of those. I’m surprised you can’t see it for yourself.”
“Don’t get too pompous with me,” I thought. “I’m writing you. I could make you pee yourself and cry for your mummy. In this realm I am the One True Robert.”
“Don’t be so sure of that,” said Robert. He’d been reading my thoughts again. Damn. “If you mess with me I’ll be of no further use to you as a character. If you destroy my dignity, where’s the credibility in anything I have to say? You writers don’t have as much power as you like to think. Now, are you going to listen to me or not?”
I thought for a moment. On the whole, not, I concluded. Because, you see, I already know what you’re going to say. And I feel no responsibility to pass it on to anybody else. I drew my gun and shot him. Omniscient, my arse. Didn’t see that one coming, did you?
As Robert lay dying, quite painlessly since I am not a cruel god, he gasped, “Why don’t you write in the third-person for a change?”
“I will, Robert,” I said humbly. “Thank you for the advice.”
I hope there’s a heaven for him to go to, but as this is the end of the story I’ll never know.
Comments
keleph | August 13, 2008 - 15:50
Thought this was genuinely funny (a quality I find rarely in writing) and entertaining. Robert was very reminiscent of Terry Pratchet's Death - great writing. I really enjoyed the thoughts of the writer creeping in; it put a new spin on every sentence.
chuck | August 13, 2008 - 15:57
Very good FTSE. I like the metamorphing. Personally I envision God as a sort of interfaith gender neutral entity anxious not to offend anyone.
FTSE100 | August 13, 2008 - 16:02
Thank you, keleph. I love Pratchett and have all his books. Never thought I'd be compared to him. Robert bless you!
Thanks for your comments, chuck.
mykle | August 13, 2008 - 22:22
I liked it too but I think it portrays God as too much of a social worker type when I suspect that is definitely not the case.
Have you ever considered that God might be a moron?
After all we are, in many way, gods to our own bodies yet most of us have little idea how they work, or grow or die.
There is no need to understand something in order to be able to do it.
Many people turn on their TV's with no idea how they work.
I always got the impression that God left a lot of things undefined so that we could define them ourselves. After all, why should He do all the work?
Any fool can create life if he's not impotent and it might be tht the God of our Universe is a playground whimp getting picked on by all the other God kids at Heaven High. We just have to hope when he's finished growing he turns out to be the sort of God we can be proud to be part of :O)
FTSE100 | August 13, 2008 - 22:23
Thanks for your comments, mykle. God might well be a moron, or an absentee landlord, or a committee, or a wad of blotting paper soaked in minestrone (that last I stole from Michael Frayn). No evidence for or against any of it. Not even any basis on which to calculate probabilities.
Personally, I think a God who prepared carefully and banged a Big One in just such a way as to make a delicate and intricate watch that keeps perfect time for billions of years is far greater than one who stamps his foot and demands that the world should be thus or he'll have a tantrum. In other words, the creationist God is the moron (and probably an American too). The Big Banger is someone I'd like to meet. I hope he exists!
mykle | August 14, 2008 - 06:29
I loved the history of the God of the Cat People in Red Dwarf. If you want to consider the dangers of religion in a humorous way I recommend Red Dwarf and Monty Python... in that order.
However you define God the definition should help explain the laws that we take for granted like the laws of nature as well as the laws of science.
Any theory that explains our existence must deal with the unlikely-ness that we happened by accident.
Given the Theory Of Evolution where did the laws of Evolution spring from?
If I created a computer model of a world why would it develop creatures?
What extra would be needed to make bits clump together into words and these words to write a book? In the face of the Law of Entropy why would life get more complex?
Could it be that there always has been life and that this life has striven to manifest itself in a material form?
mykle | August 14, 2008 - 06:56
Of course it might all be an illusion, along the lines of the Matrix. All a computer generated dream.
Why? To give children a place to play, experiment and grow while they are ready to leave their virtual Kindergarden and roam the Universe!
If so, I suspect some of the brighter kids have been playing with the source code and the OS is getting a bit wobbly. We're hoping that it will contain an automatic distress mechanism to contact the Chief Systems Analyst.
I'm surprised that the brigher ones amoungst the scientist types haven't sussed yet that the program is designed to keep them thinking. Every time they define something it automatically generates a new sub set of sub division (with 3 minimun members) and so it is a never ending task :O)
Atoms to particles, particles to Quarks, Quarks to...
I do wonder if it is an eternal process, or if indeed, occasionally, there is a school holiday and we are all bundled off to spend some time with our forgotten parents... while the school is cleaned and restored :O)
I have to rush because my computer keeps freezing and I am forced to reboot and start from scratch.
FTSE100 | August 14, 2008 - 08:35
mykle, I suggest you stop what you're doing, go out right now and get a new computer! You can get one for the price of a bag of chips (which is about all a computer is anyway). Every time you post your computer is always about to fall apart. Sell your old ones on eBay, say they were destroyed by Uri Geller. You'll make a fortune.
Things are far worse than you think. Jade Goody is the only real person. The Matrix is beaming into her mind (I use the term loosely) only. We are all daemons with no real existence. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news...
mykle | August 14, 2008 - 09:05
It is not the computer but the OS and the blasted 'Three USB mobile modem'.
I think it would be okay if I could get rid of Windows Media Player but I think that is probably impossible since the EU have been trying to do the same for donkey's years :O)
I'm pleased that the only real person is a 'Goody'.
The good news is that after 3 updates I don't get the blue screen of death any more.
It still crashes but it reboots immediately which is much faster and saves gigabytes of dumps clogging up my disks!
mykle | August 14, 2008 - 11:51
After a nice long walk in the rain I'm feeling a lot clearer.
On reflection, I think you are absolutely right, FTSE.
Flog my computers and start fresh.
My twin in Thailand always used to say "Comp make you kaput, My."
In retrospect I can see she was right.
shoebox | August 14, 2008 - 14:48
A gem. I'm amazed at the level of creativity. Cheers
Dynamaso | August 15, 2008 - 00:44
I love writing like this. And yes, I too see a Pratchett bent in it. Terry is one of the very few writers who can make me laugh out loud. You can count yourself as one of these too, FTSE. What a great read.
FTSE100 | August 15, 2008 - 22:49
Thanks shoebox, thanks Dynamyso. You make me blush. Very pleased that you liked it.
mikepyro | August 21, 2008 - 18:09
loved it man. a great take on the idea of God.
I myself have done this, except with Satan and Saint Peter. always fun to do so. I know God has a sense of humor, he created us, so he must understand what we write is all with respect.
again, great work, really funny and very enjoyable.