Panoply

"Has anyone seen my panoply?"

God was puzzled. It wasn't in any of the usual places; he'd already looked under his mercy seat and in his mercy wardrobe. "I need to stand against the artifices of the Devil and I'm not about to do it in the nude."

"Hush," admonished Mrs. God, "you'll wake the Baby Jesus. I threw the panoply out, dirty old thing that it was, so you'll just have to go out and buy yourself a new one. The Devil's artifices can wait."

"But I feel naked without my panoply," complained God. "Am naked, if you want my opinion."

"Now don't be a silly little Goddy," chided Mrs. God. "You made Adam and Eve ashamed of their bodies, but they were weak little humans and you are a mighty god. What are panoplies to you?"

"It's just the look of the thing. My public expects it. They don't want to see their god's dong swinging about as he strides into battle."

"Then go to the panoply shop. Take the Holy Ghost with you, he could do with haunting somewhere new. If the Devil's wossnames turn up I'll tell them to wait in the library."

"And you might think about getting yourself a dress," grumbled God. "I'm only saying. When the Believers look upon the Wife of God their nobs shouldn't be on the og."

God kissed his wife and left his House of Many Mansions. As he turned into the street his heart sank as he saw a believer's wife making a bee-line for him. Cursing Adam and all his ribs, he put on what he hoped was a welcoming smile and waited.

"You 'im?" demanded the woman.

"I beg your pardon?"

"You're 'im, ain't choo? Him off the crucifixes. You should be ashamed of yerself, walking round wiv yer privates showing."

God knew it would do no good to explain, he was being accosted by a moron.

"I yooster fink you was all mighty and that, but you ain't nuffink. What about the little kiddies?"

"I shall suffer them to come unto me?" suggested God.

"Not round 'ere you bloody won't," retorted the woman. "We know all about your sort. Peedy files we calls 'em. Showing yer privates to little girls. Cuh!" With a look of disgust she flounced off to set Heaven to rights elsewhere.

God walked sadly on towards the shopping centre, thinking wistfully about slum clearances. First he'd have to build some slums and encourage the dim to move into them. Another item for his to-do list.

When he arrived at the panoply shop, the shopkeeper was dubious.

"It's a panoply of God you'll be wanting," he said. "That's more of a metaphor, if you catch my drift. We don't stock metaphors here, no call for 'em. Did have a girdle of truth once, back in my Dad's day, and very nice it was too in an invisible sorta way, but our customers like to see what they're getting."

"But my old one was so comfy," protested God, "and made me look rather splendid, or so I always thought."

"Burnished gold effect, was it? Family crest on the cuirass? Nice big plume on the helmet?"

"That's the one!" cried God. "Have you got one like that?"

"Seen you coming, didn't they?" observed the shopkeeper comfortably. "You should have come to me in the first place, I'd have set you right. See, the way you can tell a panoply of God is that you can't tell it's there. It's invisible, like. If you can see the gold effect, it's a knock-off."

"Like the Emperor's new clothes?"

"I don't know about no Emperors but I do know about the Heavenly bloody Chinese and their panoplies. Won't touch 'em. No spiritual symbolism in them at all, just cheap glitter."

"You're coming perilously close to making a metaphor yourself," said God.

"Didn't say I couldn't do metaphors, did I? Just said there's no call for 'em. You can have that one on the house. It's a general purpose one, see? You aim it by substituting your religious enemy for the Heavenly Chinese, then fire."

God walked sadly from the shop, wondering how he would fight the Devil's artifices without his panoply. On the way home he saw the mad woman approaching and for a moment considered turning the other cheek. "Oh, sod it," he thought, "I've had a hard day and there's only so much one God can take." He turned her into a cruet of salt. He was rather pleased with the effect and made a pepper pot to stand beside her. After that he felt much better and continued on his way, whistling.