Spacetime (IP)

Spacetime

Science has invented a thing called spacetime where time is all mixed up with space. If you need to ask somebody the spacetime you should say, "do you know what spacetime it is?" and they will reply, "it's almost four o'clock Saturn, and a please would be nice."

Spacetime was invented by Einstein, who was a proper scientist in spite of not having a wheelchair. He had funny hair and a foreign accent instead, which was almost as good in the olden days because they didn’t understand so much about scientists then. One day Einstein ran down the street all naked and wet from his bath shouting, “Orinoco,” which is a longest river and therefore proper knowledge. When people asked him what all the fuss was about he said some equations and they were all very impressed, although he’d only asked for a towel in Maths, which is the language scientists speak.

All scientists speak Maths. Sometimes they recite poetry in Long Division or write stories in Lowest Common Denominator. Some people think it’s because they went to the wrong classes in school. They went to a Maths class, third period Wednesday, and thought they were doing English, second period Friday. Having got completely in a muddle they started doing their sums in Geography, multiplying mountains when they should have been memorising the highest ones. Alp times Himalaya equals Pyrenees, they decided, and got their exams all wrong. The only exams they got right were chemistry and physics because nobody understands them, not even the examiners, so everybody gets top marks just in case they turn out to be a genius.

When Einstein had got himself nice and dry he’d forgotten the things he’d decided to mix together. Was it weight and time? Sometimes you had to weight a long time for something, but somehow timeweight didn’t sound very scientific. Heatlength didn’t have that scientific ring to it either. Then he remembered: it was space and time. It took a long time to get into space, and there was nothing to do in space when you got there, so you seemed to have far too much time. Yes, that was it: timespace.

Einstein knew he had to be quick. Other scientists were working out how to combine faces and books, and if he didn’t get there first his invention would just end up as a website. Luckily for him, in those days you didn’t have to be thick to go on television, so he could explain his theory without having to do a dance or sing a song or play a snooker. Some other scientists came on the television as well and told him he’d got it all back to front. Televisions were so small in those days that they had to sit on Einstein’s knee one at a time so the viewers could see them. In the end he agreed it was back to front and should be called spacetime instead of timespace. All the scientists shook hands, sitting on Einstein’s knee again, and then all the science was done for the day and the television went off to show how funny poor people were.

Sometimes it's important to know the exact spacetime and that is best done with a sundial. Only the sun knows what spacetime it really is; everybody else is just guessing. Even Rolex is guessing, although their guesses will cost you a lot of money, but that's probably because of all the gold, which doesn't improve the guesses at all. Rolex leaves the space bit out, which proves that its watches aren’t scientific.

Einstein discovered that spacetime waits for no man. It’s a lot like spacetide in that respect. They are both very busy. If you have an appointment to meet spacetide outside the British Museum and you’re so much as a Mars minute late, spacetide will be gone and you’ll have to wander round the exhibits alone, killing spacetime until your next appointment.

The old music hall song that went: if you want to know the spacetime, ask a spacep'liceman was inspired by the scandal of policemen stealing the watches from sleeping drunks. In the olden days they didn't know very much about policemen. Nowadays we know all about them and the music halls have closed down.

That’s all I can remember about spacetime at the spacemoment. If there’s anything else about it, you can probably read it in a book.